The Imploding Voice

Dating on the Interwebz

2010-08-11T21:12:00.003-05:00

So, today I almost contemplated eharmony. What can I say? I was bored and they've spent, I'm sure, more money than I'll make in my lifetime on their commercials...

Then I started thinking about what kind of guys I would be matched with. Marines, almost certainly. Marines and local hicks and surfers and single fathers. And, almost certainly, no bartenders, tattoo artists, real entrepreneurs, or... Emergency room doctors?

The fatal flaw: The boys I like wouldn't go through the trouble of talking about their emotions and dream dates on a website whose foundation was that of sad and lonely people hoping to make some connection with other sad and lonely people. Especially if it meant taking all of that time responding to bullshit questions with bullshit answers, only to be ogled by fat rednecks with way too much time on their hands.

So, eff you, eharmony. I'll be at the bar.

colorquiz.com

2010-08-08T21:11:00.000-05:00

Your Existing Situation

Feeling stressed out due to her current situation and the demands which are placed on her. Working to release herself from all things that hold her back or tie her down.

Your Stress Sources

"Looking to stand out in the crowd and wanting to keep her rank and status. her current situation is irritating her because she can't seem to find anybody out there who values the same high standards she does. she is feeling isolated and wants to give in to her carnal urges, but can't bring herself to appear weak in the eyes of others. Wants others to see her unique qualities and character but can't stand to come off as needy, so instead she has an ""I don't care"" attitude and pushing people away. she turns her back on those who criticizes her behavior, but beneath her indifference is a person who is in desperate need of approval."

Your Restrained Characteristics

"Struggles to make her demands clear, but feels ignored. Feels resentful, but acts as if she doesn't care, doing what is necessary to keep peace."

"Seeking to broaden her horizons and believes her hopes and dreams are realistic. Worries she may not be able to do the things she wants and needs to escape to a peaceful, quiet environment in order to restore her confidence."

Your Desired Objective

"Wishes to live in a calm, peaceful, relaxing environment, where everyone gets along and there is a strong sense of belonging."

Your Actual Problem

Disappointed because her hopes have not come to pass and she fears coming up with new goals will only lead to further disappointment. These conflicting emotions lead to a feeling of anxiety and depression. she tries to escape into a peaceful and calm relationship which offers encouragement and protection from further disappointment.

Your Actual Problem #2

"Wants to be valued and respected, seeks a close and peaceful relationship with a shared respect of each other."

Me

2006-06-27T06:38:00.000-05:00

Morgan's Existing Situation

Having difficulty in standing up to the demands imposed on her. Finds a great effort is involved and wishes to have the situation eased.

Morgan's Stress Sources

An existing situation is unsatisfactory but she feels unable to change it without cooperation; the need for understanding, for affectionate give-and-take remains unfulfilled. This not only depresses her but makes her irritable and impatient, producing restlessness and the urge to get away from the situation, either actually or, at least, mentally. Ability to concentrate may suffer.

Morgan's Restrained Characteristics

Insists that her goals are realistic and sticks obstinately to them, even though circumstances are forcing her to compromise. Very exacting in the standards she applies to her choice of a partner.

Morgan's Desired Objective

Wants to swipe aside the things that stand in her way, to follow her impulses, and be involved in special or exciting happenings. In this way she hopes to deaden the intensity of her conflicts, but her impulsive behavior leads her to take risks.

Morgan's Actual Problem

Anxiety and restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced stress. She tries to escape by intense activity, directed either towards personal success or towards variety of experience.

Morgan's Actual Problem #2

Wants to act freely and uninhibitedly, but is restrained by her need to have things on a rational, consistent, and clearly-defined basis.

2006-02-05T02:39:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think I don't exist.

2006-02-03T16:45:00.000-05:00

Check this out.

2006-02-01T00:29:00.000-05:00

Today has been rather uneventful. Mike took me out to dinner with Pete, Spears, Myriah, and a few other people. Mike was sick this past weekend, but it was refreshing to have some quality time with him. We talked a lot last night about the future and whatnot. It was good.

Some friends of ours seem to be calling their marriage a quits... That really sucks. Everyone keeps saying that they saw it coming, and that it was only a matter of time. I guess they were right. I mean, the pairing was a drama queen and an apathetic dude. It just didn't mix. The girl did the leaving... She's tried several times before. Now, the guy is saying that he's suicidal, but promised her that he wouldn't kill himself. I feel sorry for them both. I just don't get it.

Also, another friend of mine who was there for me when I really needed her is going through a rough relational period. I... Don't know what to say. Heartbreak is... Heartbreak. About a week ago, I made an entry about how so many people are falling in love and getting engaged... And now I'm mentioning all of these relationships that are falling apart. Love can be so strong, and yet so brittle...

And now I'm kind of depressed.

I don't know where my life is headed. I feel like I haven't really accomplished anything other than becoming who I am and finding someone as lovely as Michael... But being who I am is really nothing to brag about, and, as close to home and blantantly obvious as it has become lately, relationships don't always last forever, whether they're started with the best of intentions and the deepest love or not.

When I grow up, I want to be a rock. Metaphorically speaking, of course. I want to be someone who doesn't waver. Who has faith and peace and wisdom. I don't want to be boring and dusty, but I want to be someone that anyone can come to for sympathy, empathy, advice, and/or comfort. I want to be creative and intelligent. I want to have a husband who can love me and never be embarrassed of me. I want to be a rock.

I hate seeing these wives and mothers... In real life and in the media... Who are crazy, oblivious, ignorant, judgemental, rude, lazy, vain, snobbish, and/or pathetic. I sincerely hope I never become anything like that. Oh, I'm sure I'll have my moments, but, overall, I hope I become a rock.

2006-01-30T18:28:00.000-05:00

So. I have quite a few webspaces now. I think I've used this one the most diligently. I still remember posting [my first entry]...

I also have [a xanga], but it's just not nearly as cool.

And then there's always [myspace].

Not to mention [my page of photos].

Maybe I'll get around to being introspective and interesting on here again someday soon.

Let's all hope.

Oceanographer's Choice

2006-01-22T14:58:00.000-05:00

Well, a guy in a skeleton costume
comes up to the guy in the superman suit;
runs through him with a broadsword.
I click the television off,
bring all the bright lights up,
turn the radio up loud.
I don't know why I'm so persuaded
that if I think things through
long enough and hard enough
I'll somehow get to you.

Then you came in and you locked eyes.
You kicked the ashtray over as we came toward each other.
Stubbed my cigarette out against the westwall,
quickly lit another.

Look at that, would you look at that?
We're throwing off sparks.
What will I do when I don't have you
to hold onto in the dark?

Yes, everybody's going to need a witness.
Everybody's gonna need a little back up
in case the scene gets nasty.
You throw the attic window open
and I throw myself all around you.
And night comes to Tallahassee.
I don't know why it's gotten harder
to keep myself away...
I thought I'd finally beat the feeling, but
it all came back today.

Then we fell down and we locked arms.
We knocked the dresser over as we rolled across the floor.
I don't mean it when I tell you
that I don't love you anymore.

Look at that, would you look at that?
The way the ceiling starts to swerve...
What will I do when I don't have you,
when I finally get what I deserve?

The New Year

2005-12-31T22:27:00.000-05:00

So this is the new year
And I don't feel any different
The clanking of crystal
Explosions off in the distance

So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
For self-assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions

So everybody put your best suit or dress on
Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
As thirty dialogues bleed into one

I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then I could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that can hold us back.

Blah

2005-10-13T21:13:00.000-05:00

Just decided to change things up a bit... No real reason. I think most people have forgotten about The Imploding Voice. Oh well. No real loss.

I think it's time to go home now.

Thank you. Goodnight.

2005-09-30T02:15:00.000-05:00

Word?

Word.

Cigarettes And Scuppernong

2005-08-03T22:33:00.000-05:00

Polygamy is practiced by approximately 50,000 people in Utah. It's a class three felony.

Several people interviewed stated their distaste for polygamy, but believed that it is what God wants them to do. Everyone asked stated that having more than one wife, or living with a husband who has more than one wife, is extremely trying and not nearly as enjoyable as most people would expect.

The average number of children of the women interviewed was 7.5. The opinions of the children living in a polygamous household varied. Some were sexually abused during their childhood, others believed that it was a beneficial lifestyle and intend to practice polygamy themselves.

The main religious affiliation was not Mormon as would be expected. Rather, it was TLC, the True and Living Church, which is said to have extreme tendencies toward that of your average cult.

I have been watching A&E and The History Channel quite a bit lately. Work has been slow, and we have satellite and a 50" tv, so it helps pass the time. Shifts that last eight hours and show you less than six customers is greatly improved when you can watch five hours about Hitler's women, Stalin: The Man of Steel, or Inside Polygamy.

I also watched Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead this evening. Not nearly as interesting, I must say, but it was alright.

Shrimp scampi should be happening sometime this evening. Just waiting on Michael to call...

<3

2005-07-02T02:58:00.000-05:00

So, I know I've mentioned some slight intimacy/commitment issues before... I'm working on getting over them. Which is good, seeing as I am actually dating someone now.

This guy is amazing. He adores me. He's the sweetest young man that I know. The only problems I'm seeing so far involve him liking me maybe too much too soon. How often does this happen? Ha.

Right now, I'm doing my best to not get scared away by the fact that I have someone worth liking who really likes me back. It's difficult. I don't know why. Maybe because of all of the shit I've gone through with these stupid boys? That seems like a good explanation.

I am kind of scared, though. I really don't want to end up flaking out and hurting him. At all. I respect and like him too much for that. He's too good for that.

Since the night we started hanging out, not a day has gone by when we haven't spent some amount of time together. That is kind of odd for me. I'm good about being around the same person everyday, but there are usually at least small breaks... We got back to Jacksonville around 7:30am on Thursday, then he left directly for Winston-Salem, and just got back tonight. I met him at the Waffle Shoppe tonight. So... There was about a day's worth of a break there. It was good to just sit around and get some stuff done, but I will admit that I did miss him.

He brought me back a long-stemmed, red rose, an adorable hat, and a Norma Jean poster signed by the whole band. How sweet is that?

Today, I was walking through Belk when I saw the cologne he wears. Happy for men. I sprayed some on a card... It just didn't smell like him... But, then, I held it in the hand that had a touch of cigarette smoke on it, and BAM! Mike's smell. Right there. It made me smile.

When we cuddle and watch movies, it's the greatest feeling.

I am happy.

I hope things continue to go well.

A Sphincter Says What?

2005-06-07T03:32:00.000-05:00

Yeah. So. Life has been rather... Interesting. Happy, and yet confusing. I kind of like it this way. The confusing part needs to get over with sooner rather than later, though.

Sorry I haven't been updating. Haven't been in the mood. Or had the time.

But... Speaking of the time... I need to go to sleep. More later, perhaps.

In the words of Snoopy, "Blech."

2005-05-08T22:20:00.000-05:00

I haven't updated in a while. Sorry. Um... Yeah. Things have been weird. Up and down. A whole hell of a lot of downs, but, at the same time, a lot of that pain has been accompanied by independence, which I crave. In the end, I'm still alive, so things can't possibly have been that bad, eh? Eh.

No. I'm being... Positive. Things have been pretty horrible. I cried myself to sleep last night, and there was no one to comfort me. I'm on my own financially. I have one young man to whom I can turn, and I can't be sure how many more turns I'm going to be able to make in his direction. I'm a little scared of the future. For the first time ever.

Hm. I really don't have a lot to say. I've been updating [Heartache And Arsenic] more than this, but mostly just with songs, so check that out if you'd like.

For now, goodbye.

No Children

2005-04-17T22:24:00.000-05:00

I hope that our few remaining friends
give up on trying to save us.
I hope we come out with a fail-safe plot
to piss off the dumb few that forgave us.

I hope the fences we mended
fall down beneath their own weight.
And I hope we hang on past the last exit,
I hope it's already too late.

And I hope the junkyard a few blocks from here
someday burns down.
And I hope the rising black smoke carries me far away,
and I never come back to this town again.

In my life, I hope I lie,
and tell everyone you were a good wife.
And I hope you die,
I hope we both die.

I hope I cut myself shaving tomorrow;
I hope it bleeds all day long.
Our friends say it's darkest before the sun rises;
we're pretty sure they're all wrong.

I hope it stays dark forever,
I hope the worst isn't over.
And I hope you blink before I do,
and I hope I never get sober.

And I hope when you think of me years down the line,
you can't find one good thing to say.
And I'd hope that if I found the strength to walk out,
you'd stay the hell out of my way.

I am drowning.
There is no sign of land.
You are coming down with me,
hand in unlovable hand.

And I hope you die,
I hope we both die.

Yesterday, Today, Tonight, and Tomorrow

2005-04-01T03:07:00.000-05:00

I just want to make a new entry here so that that old one moves down a notch.

Today, a nap on the beach with Chris & co. turned out to be a beautiful thing. We were nearly stormed upon, and someone apparently used some sort of witchcraft to cast a spell on us, but, other than that, things went very well.

I can be so cute. You have no idea.

Tomorrow, I am doing nothing whilst both Myriah and Chris work. Hoorah. :(

Cuddling is one of the greatest things in my world.

I was thinking... Um... Yesterday... About what I want to get out of my future. I know I definitely want to live outside of the US for a long time... And in a nice, big city like NYC, Seattle, or Chicago... But, I think I also want to write a book someday. Just for the hell of it. Probably not a novel. I don't know.

I want an apartment. Soon. Or a house of my own would be great, too... I found out one thing tonight. I am going to paint my breakfast room of sorts (and/or foyer and/or bathroom) the color of Tony Montana's mom's living room. Just thought you should know.

I'm pretty tired, I guess, so I should probably be going to bed in a moment or two.

Heart+Brick Wall=

2005-03-29T00:59:00.000-05:00

Do you ever wonder why the hell God made you the way that you are? I just hope He's got some really big, really great plan up His sleeve for me... Cos, at this point, I'm not seeing any sort of light at the end of the tunnel...

Best friends for life? Yeah. I've got one or two of those. The question I'm wanting answered is when am I ever going to find someone who'll say he'll love me for the rest of my life? Fuck. When am I ever going to find someone who will say that he's going to love me for the rest of that week?

I am real. I refuse to be fake. Must I be fake to find someone to like "me"? How many things about myself am I going to have to change?

Waiting... I'm good at that. I wait. And I wait. And I wait. And for what? A hug and goodbye. When can I stop waiting? When will the goodbyes be unnecessary?

How many more people will look at me with those sharp stares before I finally break? How many more careless words, lacking any sort of gentleness, can I withstand before I proclaim it The End? How many more gashes in my fragile heart before it finally splits in two and pains me no longer? How many more sad sentences will I form before I find something beautiful to write about? What is more beautiful than heartache?

If you think me fake, you don't deserve to have a brain. If you think I'm pathetic, you're on the right track. If you consider me crazy, be kind and see if that changes. If you want to love me, I'm not sure how much heart I have left to give in return, but I know that I will love you with all that remains...

Street Art

2005-03-28T12:35:00.000-05:00

[Why I Love NYC]

Dance In The Rain

2005-03-27T23:55:00.000-05:00

Tonight...

1. was a good night.
2. was a bad night.
3. I was forced to be around people I loathe.
4. I was pleasant around the people I loathe.
5. I danced ballroom style with my boy.
6. I swallowed my pride.
7. it rained.
8. I realized something about myself.
9. I told the truth, even when it might've been better to just keep it to myself.
10. I fell into two warm eyes and a sweet smile.
11. a sad face injured my heart.
12. he told me he loved me three times.

Don't Look Back

2005-03-25T15:31:00.000-05:00

My theme song for... Well... A long time.

You keep insisting you're the one to blame.
But why are you the only one in pain?
They ask for so much more
Than they deserve credit for.
Who needs them?
What's in a name, anyway?
If you leave them behind you,
I won't let them find you.

If you choose to sever the ties,
Refuse to swallow their lines.
If it's not right for you,
You've got the right to move on.
Move on, move on.

I know they'll make you out to be the fool.
But you'll grin and bear it.
You'll play it cool,
Because you're so cool.
Degraded, berated...
They're so sadly mistaken.
When they call it love, well, I'll call their bluff.
Just let me remind you,
That I'll be behind you.

If you choose to sever the ties,
Refuse to swallow their lines.
If it's not right for you,
You've got the right to move on.
Move on, move on.

You've got to move on, move on,
Move on for what you want.
Move on.

You've got to choose to sever the ties,
Refuse to swallow their lines.
If it's not right for you,
You've got the right to move on.
Move on, move on.

Starry Configurations

2005-03-17T03:19:00.000-05:00

Starry configurations... I'm just a receiver
Divine recombinations... I'm just a recordist
Receptionist - unhappy medium
Receptionist - unhappy medium
Excellent accommodations... I'm just a bellboy
Beautiful surroundings... I'm just some gravel
Or peat moss, what have you?
Or peat moss, what have you now?
Why must you treat me like you do?
Don't you know it's all for you?
Dear infatuation, you do not see me
Die here beside you in see-through obscurity
Governess, fancy less, we'll sound the alarm
And drum up some simpleton for you
To eat these apples from your eyes
Emptiness fills room
Your love's bud goes full bloom
You don't love me
Aren't thinking of me
Why am I waiting for you to see I'm alive?
Storybook ending... I'm just a ledger
Hardly worth a mention or the paper
It's written on and cried upon
And kissed once by wax
But still you treat me like you do
With everything I've done for you
Striking like a bird of prey along your notepad now
The only year that turns your way
My dear diary: it's just you and me tonight
You don't love me
Aren't thinking of me
You don't love me
Aren't thinking of me tonight
Why am I waiting for you to see I'm alive?

On A Big, Black Block

2005-03-11T18:52:00.000-05:00

To sit in solemn silence
On a dull, dark dock
In a pestilencial prison
With a lifelong lock
Awaiting the sensation
Of a cheap and chippy chopper
On a big, black block
On a big, black block

A Bed Of Ultraviolet Rays

2005-03-07T23:48:00.000-05:00

An update for the sake of updating...

For those of you who don't know me personally, I wear about a million and one little bracelets. Constantly. Rubber, plastic, yarn, ribbon, paper... So many different kinds in all sorts of colors and sizes. Today, for the first time since December of 2003, I took them all off. (Except for one, which is braided together with embroidery thread.) The reason being... I didn't want them all to melt together onto my wrists. Now, why would this be a problem, you ask? I'll tell you.

Today, I started tanning. Since I am going to prom with Chris, his mom is spoiling me rotten and is trying to tweak my style. One of the less attractive things about me, I suppose, was my extreme paleness. Now, some people find pale skin attractive... But there are very few people HERE, on the beach, who like it. She bought me a month of tanning.

So. I had to take off my bracelets. Now, my wristae look terribly pale and weak and fragile. I had forgotten that they are so thin. They look as though you'd be able to snap them in two with little to no effort. Not really in a disgusting, sickly way... More in a petite, feminine way.

Yeah.

I'm really working hard, man. I'm going to be even more gorgeous than I am right now when this is all over. ;)

Fresh Berries For You

2005-03-06T02:47:00.000-05:00

The world's overrun with new shades of green,
And the dandelions come up like recurring dreams.
And the swallows give up their fragile little songs
In the new world.

And I know you're only watching out for yourself,
And I know I'm not to take it real personal-like.
And I know you only want what's best for everybody.
I know you only want what's best for everybody.

But you better be nice, or the Easter Bunny's
Gonna strike your name out of the
Little red book with the silver hinges on it
That he carries.

They've implemented a new system on the
Exhaust lines of the buses,
And now the air is fresh and sweet and clean when they pass by.
And the bright sun shines down on our fair city,
And young cats play on people's front lawns.

And the time is coming.
And the time is coming.
And I can feel the time coming.
And I know that you can feel the time coming, yourself.

And the Easter Bunny's coming,
And God knows I'd hate for you to miss it.
And it's gonna be so nice
When the Easter Bunny comes.
And it's gonna be so nice
When the Easter Bunny comes.
And it's gonna be so nice
When the Easter Bunny comes.
And it's gonna be so nice
When the Easter Bunny comes.

Planet, Schmanet, Janet!

2005-02-27T15:06:00.000-05:00

Dr. Frank-N-Furter: I'll tell you once
I won't tell you twice
You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss
Your apple pie don't taste too nice
You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss

I've laid the seed, it should be all you need
You're as sensual as a pencil
Wound up like an 'E' or first string
When we made it, did you hear a bell ring?
You got a block, well take my advice
You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss
The Transducer will seduce ya!

Janet Weiss: My feet! I can't move my feet!

Dr. Everett v. Scott: My wheels! My God, I can't move my wheels!

Brad Majors: It's as if we're glued to the spot!

Dr. Frank-N-Furter: You are! So quake with fear, you tiny fools!

Janet Weiss: Oh, we're trapped!

Dr. Frank-N-Furter: It's something you'll get used to
A mental mind fuck can be nice!

Dr. Everett v. Scott: You won't find Earth people quite the easy mark you imagine
This sonic transducer - it is, I suppose, some kind of
Audio-vibratory, physiomolecular transport device

Brad Majors: You mean...!

Dr. Everett v. Scott: Yes, Brad...
It's something we ourselves have been working on for quite some time
But it seems our friend here has found a means of perfecting it
A device which is capable of breaking down solid matter and then
Projecting it through space, and who knows, perhaps even time itself

Janet Weiss: You mean, he's gonna send us to another planet?!!!

Dr. Frank-N-Furter: Planet, schmanet, Janet!
You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss
You'd better wise up
Build your thighs up
You'd better wise up

Janet Weiss: Stop!!!!!!

Dr. Frank-N-Furter: Don't get hot and flustered
Use a bit of mustard!

Brad Majors: You're a hot dog
but you better not try to hurt her, Frank-furter!

Dr. Everett v. Scott: You're a hot dog
but you better not try to hurt her, Frank-furter!

Janet Weiss: You're a hot d--

Repetition: Friend to the Unimaginative

2005-02-22T01:16:00.000-05:00

I started work at Beans tonight. So. Now. Two and a half jobs. Hot Topic, Beans, and tutoring. I'm thinking about also applying at Golden Corral and/or T&W Oyster Bar. Apparently, they really, really need a hostess at T&W, and Golden Corral is still hiring and paying about $8/hr.

Amber and I only got $10 in tips each tonight, so it ended up being $4.75/hr. Not so cool. I worked for eight hours. I have to be back at nine tomorrow morning, and then at eight on Wednesday and Thursday mornings.

Cappuccino... Real cappuccino... Is retarded. It's mostly made of nothing but foam. If you want to get a drink with the basic idea of what a low-class cappuccino would be, just get a latte. Really. But, if you like chocolate, get a mocha. It's the same as a latte, but has chocolate in it. Or, if you like caramel better, get a caramel machiatto. It's a latte with caramel flavoring. Both of those two drinks has one shot of espresso per serving, and enough syrup to make it taste sweet.

If you ever want to make a good wrap, put turkey, provolone cheese, vinaigrette, spinach leaves, feta cheese, tomatoes, onions, cucumber, and black olives on a basil and tomato tortilla thing. Best freaking food in the world. Man. I had never bought any food at Beans, but now that I work there, I get one free meal per shift. I had this soup with mainly bell peppers and sausage in it... That sounds rather crappy, but it tastes wonderful. Um, and I had half of that above-mentioned wrap. So good. I wanted more, but the girl I was working with just wanted to split one with me.

If any of you are ever in Eastern North Carolina, you had better get your butt over to Beans and try some of their food and drink. Especially if I'm there to make it for you. If you don't, you're a loser and deserve to spend extra time in pergatory. (Joke?)

Right. Well. I'm kind of in a bad mood. As usual. And my hands smell like bleach. I'm going to go get something else to eat since I am very hungry, and then I'm going to sleep for about 6 hours. I hope.

Head Club

2005-02-16T18:14:00.000-05:00

Well it's getting colder and you're getting distant
And I just keep thinkin
That I never meant it to be like this (to be like this)
You know what comes next (so do I)
You’re begging for a way to gracefully bow out
And say goodnight

It's worse than you think
On your way home you should have known
You never listen to me
I’m only complaining to keep myself busy, sweetie
I’m only complaining to keep myself busy, sweetie

I can’t say I blame you
But I wish that I could
I’m sick of writing every song about you

Don't call my name out your window, I'm leaving
(I'm sick of writing every song about you)

<3

2005-02-14T10:23:00.000-05:00

Happy Heart Day.

Just Can't Win

2005-02-12T23:12:00.000-05:00

I've been listening to Norma Jean today.

"It's like bringing a knife to a gunfight..."

And, um... A knife through the heart would feel better than this. I don't want to go into it, but this evening has sucked. Damnit. I feel as though my heart is being toyed with, and I don't like it a bit.

Shout Outs

2005-02-07T01:50:00.000-05:00

Dude. I wish I actually had friends that I could hang out with to read my blogs and journals and whatnot. I'd totally do that whole "shout out" thing.

I'd be like...

Homie #1:
I love you, babe. Thanks for being so special and adorable all of the time. I don't want to imagine my life without you. YOU ROCK MY WORLD. <333

Homie #2:
Wow. We had some good times this weekend. Those guys sure were hott. And, hun, your dress is so much cooler than mine. Remember, nice guys/girls don't always finish last... You'll find your true love.

Homie #3:
Thanks for the encouragement in school today. It was a rough one, but you lifted my spirits. Hope things work out with you-know-who.

Et cetera.

Yeah... I'm tempted to find a few internet addicts to be my friends just so I can show off my mad blog-shout-out skillz. Oooh. And look at that misplaced z. How cool am I?

Haha. Whatever.

People Are Strange

2005-02-06T17:21:00.000-05:00

People are strange when you’re a stranger
Faces look ugly when you’re alone
Women seem wicked when you’re unwanted
Streets are uneven when you’re down
When you’re strange, faces come out of the rain
When you’re strange, no one remembers your name
When you’re strange, when you're strange, when you're strange

-The Doors

I Will Make You A Man

2005-01-31T01:25:00.000-05:00

In less than six months, I am supposed to learn how to be able to fend for myself and, essentially, become a self-sufficient adult. SCARY.

I just found out tonight that my parents are not planning to help with my college tuition. I was under the impression that they were. Huh. Guess things aren't going to be quite as nice as I thought... I was prepared to have to pay for room and board, but not tuition as well. Good thing I'm cool with only a full-time community college education for the next couple of years...

At least they'll be paying for my insurance... I think...?

Tonight, we storm.

I'm looking for a good state somewhere near Colorado... Or maybe in Colorado. Any suggestions? I need to find a good community college near a large town... Low cost of living would be AWESOME. Um... The deal is that we need a community college in the same state as a good law school. And we're going to need an apartment in the same state as that community college. Heh. And I know that I'm not going to have a ton of money to pay for college and an apartment...

I realized something tonight. When I'm scared or anxious about something, I try to organize it to death. Fun, huh?

Right. Well. I'm posting this exact same thing in my other blog. I NEED IDEAS.

Exes and oh, oh, ohs...

I Heart Christopher

2005-01-30T01:43:00.000-05:00

Button, Button... Who's Got The Button?

2005-01-27T13:18:00.000-05:00

You

1. How are you feeling today?
Hm. Normal, for me. Kind of nostalgic, lovesick, anxious, curious, thoughtful, wistful, pensive, and hurt. Rejection sucks hardcore. I am, in the words of Viktor Navorski, "Unacceptable!" Someone will find me someday.

2. What are you wearing at the moment?
At the moment, I am wearing blue underwear, a crimson bra, an aquamarine, fitted tshirt, some baggyish, light blue, denim jeans, and Lilu perfume. This shirt makes my eyes go crazy. I love it.

3. Where do you live?
I live in a tiny little town in Eastern North Carolina. This fall, I should be going off to college someplace, so who knows? Maybe I'll make it as far as Paris. Maybe I won't make it past Wilmington. I don't know.

4. How old are you?
I am currently seventeen. But only for about another month. I'll finally be a legal adult on March 5th.

5. Do you frequent message boards? Which ones?
Not a lot. Just [CGR], mainly.

6. If you keep a diary, do you keep a "real" one too?
This is the closest thing to a diary that I have.

7. Name? Username(s)? Sex?
My name: Morgan. Usernames: Maux or pulseczar, usually. Sex: Marry me.

8. Favourite memory?
Hm. I'm going to write a few little reminders of happy memories here... If you have known me for a long time, you might catch a few. If not... I'm sorry.

Hugging Robbie when I gave him his tshirt back. Having "The Mystery Goth Boy/Man" stop his car in front of mine, wave, and give me a huge smile. Taking pictures of Fort Macon by myself. Going to Fort Macon with the Thomas'. Riding around with Chris Walther. Going to his soccer games. Getting love notes from Joel Tavera in the eighth grade. Getting my first Valentine from my first boyfriend (it was from that popular cartoon involving like rollerblading sharks or something... I was about ten. "Love at first bite. XOXO"). Anthony Martin tricking me into kissing him on the schoolbus in 1st grade. Sitting in his grandpa's basement with three other families every single time there was a tornado watch in Southern Illinois. Playing cards with Josh Thomas on my livingroom floor until midnight (Him: "So, I kind of like you..." Me: *grin* "I kind of like you too..."). Going canoeing with Tom and Gabe at my party of sorts to escape the hideous cliqueishness of the "pretty people." Going rollerskating. The first time I held hands with a boy. The first time a boy wanted to make out with me and I turned him down. Matthew Redding making me laugh (I had a crush on him from when I was two until I moved away from Illinois when I was nine). Playing in the creek in Illinois. Running over bales of hay. Gardening. Meeting the mailman everyday in Wilson. Driving around with Josh. Taking pictures at Desolate shows. Getting up at 3am to be at Josh's house by 4am to be in Havelock by 5am when the television studio didn't even open until 7:30am. Playing hide and go seek at his house. Chris and I singing our favorite songs in my car. Going to the C&C/Underoath/Three concert in Charlotte with Matt, Myriah, and Nate. Exploring the painted barns. Waking up entangled in Matt's arms and legs. All of those times we ate at Waffle House just to see the people (and because it was the only place open that late). The hockey game in Richmond, VA, that lasted about five hours due to injuries, broken glass, and overtime. Powderpuff football. Starring in my school play. Starring in my kindergarten play. Sitting at the computer ALL day just making websites and playing Tetris. Being told I was beautiful. Painting. Ooooooooh... I could go on forever.

9. Last CD you bought?
The Rocky Horror Punk Rock Show.

10. Personal guru / hero / idol?
There are so many. Christ, Billy Corgan, and the chick from Dresden Dolls, just to name a few.

Friends

1. Do you have a large, medium or small group of friends, large being 15 or more, medium being 5 to 15 or small being 5 or less?
Small. Definitely. I have about four close friends, I think. Chris, Myriah, Sarah, and Brandon. Um, I guess my cousin, Tanner, is also my friend, but family members hardly count. So. Three. Small.

2. Out of that group, do you have a best friend?
I don't care for the whole "best friend" thing, but out of those, Chris and Myriah are very close. Myriah is my sister. Chris is the closest out of my non-relative friends. But when we get married (;)), I'll have to figure out who my next close friend in line will be.

3. What is it that you like about your best friend?
He's a hotty. Um. We share many of the same dreams and aspirations. We have similar personalities and ideas of good humor. He's strong and a good hugger. We don't party, don't drink, don't smoke, and don't do drugs together. He doesn't really talk with me much, but when I need an honest answer, he's usually willing to give it to me.

4. Do you have "friends" here in CGR?
Hm. Less, it seems, than I had at one point...

5. What are their usernames?
You know who you are.

6. What makes a good friend?
Loyalty. Selflessness. Honesty. Forgiveness. Perseverence.

7. Have you ever lost a friend due to arguments or misunderstandings?
Yes.

8. Have you ever lost a friend in a tragedy?
No.

9. Would you rather have a really close best friend or a close knit group of friends?
I don't know. I tend to have that one really, really close friend, and then several other people who are knitted into that relationship as well. I think I like it this way, but it can be hard.

10. Have you ever dated a friend? If so, did it work out, or did it ruin your friendship?
Um. I haven't, but I don't know. Liking a friend and not dating them can ruin a friendship too.

11. Finish this sentence: Friendship is...?
Hott.

12. I'm always looking for friends. How did you meet the close friends that you have?
Church, mostly. I met Sarah at TCBS. Chris at a church service. Brandon on deviantart.com. Chyppe at a camp.

13. What are some things you do together? Video games, trips to the mall, etc?
Hm. Chris and I go to coffee shops a lot. The mall, every once in a while. We drive a WHOLE LOT.

14. Do you think that you are closer to your friends than your siblings or parents?
No. Maybe in the past, but Myriah and I are extremely close now, and my mom and I are occasionally pretty close. Right now, my closest friend really isn't that close.

Yes or No

1. play video games?
Rarely.

2. visited Toronto?
No.

3. smoke pot today?
Of course. Not.

4. wear prescription glasses?
No.

5. read On the Road (by Jack Kerouac)?
No.

6. own a brown shirt?
No.

7. do 'ya pray?
Yes.

8. listen to Pink Floyd?
Sometimes. Rarely.

9. own/lease a vehicle?
Yes.

10. eat meat?
Yes.

11. also hate Britney?
Not hate. Strongly dislike.

12. been to Jersey?
Have passed through New Jersey.

13. are you male?
Not today.

14. scared of heights?
No.

15. paying off a student loan?
Not yet.

16. single?
Damnit. Yes. Always. Always freaking single. Damnit. Always.

17. around in the 60's?
No.

18. wearing shoes right now?
No.

19. like Kraft Dinner?
No.

20. under 30?
Yes.

21. been to the top of the Empire State Building?
Yes. And I've written my name on it with a Sharpie.

22. ever collect rocks?
Yes.

23. are you a drinker?
Not really.

24. wearing anything red right now?
A crimson bra, yo.

25. love Seinfeld?
It's okay.

26. ever travel by Greyhound?
Not yet.

27. own cat(s)?
No. But my family does.

28. have sex today?
Not yet. The night is young. And I am... Hopeless.

29. ever lose your wallet?
Yeah. In my bedroom. Oh man. Oh man.

30. write poetry?
Blah.

Religion

1. Age / Gender / Location
What does this have to do with religion, exactly? I am seventeen, female, and located in Northern Carolina.

2. What is your religion and/or personal faith?
I am... Oh man. Christian bordering on semi-agnosticism?

3. Why do you practice this religion?
Because it is the most truthful thing I've found.

4. Were you born into your religion or did you research it and decide upon it later on in life?
Kind of both.

5. Why do you believe what you believe?
Because believing in something is better than believing in nothing... And, as I mentioned before, this seems to be the most truthful thing I have found.

6. Do you think other religions/faiths are wrong?
As far as I know, yes.

7. What do you think will happen once we die?
Eternity.

8. Would you die for your faith?
Depends on the circumstances.

9. Do you think you are prejudiced against for your faith? Why or why not?
Somewhat.

10. How does your religion/faith come into your every day life?
Well, really, I doubt I'd have lived this long if it hadn't been for the hope that I clasp so anxiously in my heart...

11. Would you consider becoming a preacher/priest or the equivelent? Why or why not?
Maybe. I'd have to learn a whole lot more first, though.

12. If you follow a holy book, is the holy book 110% right in all things?
I hope so.

13. Is there any completely wrong religion/faith?
Um... I'm not sure. Each religion I am familiar with has some piece of it that relates back to the religion that I believe is the most accurate.

14. Does your religion/faith make you feel complete? How so?
In a way. Um. It feels almost homelike, at times.

15. Do you think that had you grown up a part of a family whose religion was not the one you current are, would you still be [your religion]?
I'm not sure.

Lovely Love

1. Describe what love means to you.
Love means complete honesty, faithfulness, selflessness, kindness, joy, and devotion...

2. Do fall in love easily?
Hm. I tend to fall in love easily when I find someone worth loving. It doesn't happen often, but when I find that kind of guy, I think it happens rather quickly.

3. Do you fall out of love easily?
I'm afraid so, in some situations. But I can't fall out of love when I most want to. What a horrible thing the heart can be...

4. Some people say that biologically, all love is just chemical brain mush-nuerons and such. Agree or disagree?
I think love originates in the heart, and then is mass produced by the brain.

5. What would you sacrifice for love?
A lot.

6. What have you done in love that you most regret?
I regret putting myself in the position to be hurt.

7. Trash your ex here:
Hey. My mama taught me better than that.

8. Boast about your current here:
If only.

9. Thanks much luv to you from me
...

10. Cupid says hi and he wants his arrow back...
Freaking retard.

Profanity

1. Do you use profanity much in your diary?
No, damnit!

2. What's your favourite cuss word?
Not damnit, damnit!

3. Would you be comfortable swearing in front of your parents?
Only when it involves a joke, strong feelings, or direct quotation.

4. Do you ever get offended when people cuss?
Kind of. I don't know. I hate it when people cuss excessively... Damnit.

5. Do you ever wonder where cuss words come from, and what makes them offensive?
Yeah.

6. If you forgot every cuss word you ever knew, what would you say if you accidently whacked your thumb with a hammer?
Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

7. Invent a new cuss word for me.
Make me.

8. Thank you very much for your time!
Heh.

Film

1. Which Indiana Jones movie is the ultimate supreme-o of archeology action? (and for bonus points, what is Indiana Jones's real name?)
Raiders of the Lost Ark. Henry Jones, Jr.

2. How old were you when you first saw Star Wars?
Oh man. So young... I can't even remember.

3. Which Star Wars movie is the best?
The first one of all will always be my favorite.

4. Why do so many people prefer The Empire Strikes Back?
Because it's a new trendish thing.

5. How old were you when you first saw Goonies?
Hm. I don't remember that either.

6. Which coming-of-age movie is the best?
The Breakfast Club.

7. What are your three favorite animated feature films?
Um... Alice in Wonderland, Aladdin, and Cinderella.

8. Which horror movie would be the worst to actually live?
I'll tell you the most awesome... I'll bet you can guess... Rocky Horror Picture Show. Oh right.

9. Which horror movie villian is the most terrifying?
I don't know. The thing from Jeepers Creepers was rather frightening.

10. What is the best fantasy film directed by Jim Henson and featuring David Bowie?
Heh. The Labrynth?

11. Of the other (lesser) fantasy films, which is your favorite?
Dunno.

12. Which is your favorite anime?
I dislike anime in general.

13. Which is your favorite anime that is not on Cartoon Network?
I hate that Cartoon Network has been overrun by said anime.

14. If I yell "Akiiiiiiiirrraaaaaaa!! Teeeetsuoooooooo!!" do you know what I'm talking about? And should you tell me I'm not funny?
I should dropkick you in the nostril, that's what I should do...

15. Which Speilberg movie is the best? Which Speilberg movie is your favorite? Which is the most fun?
I enjoyed The Terminal, but that's just the first that came to mind.

16. What is your favorite movie involving extra-terrestrials?
E.T., Mars Attacks, or THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW!

17. What are your top three favorite foreign films?
Amelie. Can't think of any others.

18. Who are your top three favorite directors?
I don't know.

19. Which movie do you think is the best quality movie ever made?
I don't know.

20. Which movie is the most fun?
I don't know.

21. Why are romantic comedies usually so lame?
I don't know.

22. Who are your top three favorite actors?
I don't know.

23. What is the worst movie you've ever seen?
The Horse Whisperer.

24. What makes a kids' movie fun for grown-ups too?
Um. Sexual innuendo.

25. Which movie trilogy is the best?
LOTR?

26. Which actor would you want to play you in the movie about your life?
*shrug* Kelly Osbourne?

27. Recommend a movie that I probably haven't seen.
White Oleander, Assault on Precinct 13, Phantom of the Opera, Amelie, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Benny and Joon, or The Last Unicorn.

Remind Me Not To Ever Think Of You Again

2005-01-25T00:00:00.000-05:00

Do you ever get that feeling where you're ready to cry, but you just can't? And then there's that feeling in your chest that makes it seem like you'll vomit up your heart any minute... But it would almost feel good, because it hurts too badly where it is. All you want to do is curl up in a ball, block out everything around you, and nurse your wounds with misery and self-pity. At this point, you don't care if anyone else feels the way you do or feels any pain for you... You just wish that it were over. You wish that you didn't have to live with it anymore. You just want to be happy...

Please, make me happy.

Love Rhymes With Hideous Car Wreck

2005-01-24T07:53:00.000-05:00

Those tire tracks
Zigzag your torso like a Devil's self portrait
The car accident, the skin graft treatment, the flower baskets, the wincing relatives...

You bid her farewell then got in your car
And that's the last thing that you can recall
And when they pulled you out
You didn't know your name
Exploding semi-truck blurred your face with flame...

You met Jane four years ago today
Dancing at some vomit-stained frat party
Her newspaper gown, flashing headline brown, her violent gypsy dance, her tired underpants...

Love rhymes with pity now
Love rhymes with sympathy now

Jane let you touch and feel her
She was so free like a pineapple in a tree
You said it's dangerous
To be so intimate
You know it's dangerous, dangerous, dangerous

Jane said when she laid on her back
The sun hit her body like an ugly landscape

But some things never get better
Like used cars and bad livers
So you traded her in for a better looking brand
One with fake porno tits
A pad lock on her lips
Disposable tan
Biodegradable hands

Back at the hospital
You got no visitors at all
She visits you in your sleep
But that newspaper gown is always on fire

She met him a week after you left her
When you tossed out her touch to the garbage collector
He talked her out of her skirt in his beer-soaked apartment
And then they did all the things
You never said that you wanted
And the sirens are laughing underneath your skull
And your thoughts are turning dull, callous, and cold
Yesterday you gave your burden a name
Yesterday you gave your burden a face

But your burden looks an awful lot like her

Love rhymes with pity now
Love rhymes with sympathy now

Tomorrow...

2005-01-24T01:55:00.000-05:00

"Maybe tomorrow my sorrow shall end... Perhaps by then, I'll be more than a friend."

Whoa. College. Soon.

I had forgotten about it, but then it jumped back into my thoughts again tonight. Chris, my closest friend, is leaving for college this fall. We're thinking about going someplace together. He's looking into Liberty. Liberty is cool. I had my heart set on going there for a while, so it'd be alright.

It's really scary, though. I want to go with him like something else, just because I need to have someone there with me. I really need it. I realize that there's a good chance that he's not going to be there for me for very long... He's going to find other friends and perhaps even a girlfriend (*gasp!*), but I can live with that, I think. I don't know. I'm still thinking.

If he decides to go to a college out in the middle of Ohio or something that's only a law school, and I decide not to go to a law school and get into State, then I won't go with him. If we both get into Liberty, then I just might consider it.

Man. I hate false hope. So very much. I kill my heart with it quite frequently... Alas. I really hate that I can do stuff about it, but then I don't, and it hurts worse...

I am such a loser. Haha.

I have to get up in four hours, so I'd say it's probably time for me to go to sleep. Thanks for reading this. Leave me some love.

Goodnight.

The Jeep Song

2005-01-20T02:51:00.000-05:00

Haha. I love The Dresden Dolls.

I've been driving around town
With my head spinning around
Everywhere I look I see
Your '96 Jeep Cherokee

You're a bully and a clown
You made me cry and put me down
After all that I've been through
You'd think I'd hate the sight of you

But with every Jeep I see
My broken heart still skips a beat
I guess it's just my stupid luck
That all of Boston drives that same black fucking truck

It could be him or am I tripping
And I'm crashing into everything
And thinking about skipping town a while
Until these cars go out of style...

I try to see it in reverse
It makes the situation hundreds of times worse
When I wonder if it makes you want to cry
Every time you see a light blue Volvo driving by

So don't tell me that you're off to see the world
I know you won't get very far
Don't call me if you get another girl, baby
Just call me if you get another car

The number of them is insane
Every exit's an exboyfriend memory lane
Every major street's a minor heart attack
I see a red Jeep and I want to paint it black

It could be him or am I tripping
And I'm crashing into everything
I can't wait 'til you trade that fucker in
By then they will have stuck me in the looney bin

It could be him my heart is pounding
It's just no use I'm surrounded
But someday I'll steal your car and switch the gears
And drive that Cherokee straight off this trail of tears

If It Didn't Rain Then There Wouldn't Be Any Flowers

2005-01-19T01:26:00.000-05:00

Ahhhhh... Why can't I just let go? I give myself such wonderful advice... Why can't I ever take it? This reminds me of Alice in Wonderland, although I can't quite place why... My, my, my. So many whys and can'ts. You'd think I were confused or something...

"Yes, we're sharing a drink called loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone."

Do boys just say, "You're so awesome, I'd totally date you!" or "You're the most awesome girl that I know. You're sexy, date-able, and perfect. But..." just to make girls feel better? Damnit. I wish those flowers would start sprouting up sometime soon. Like tomorrow, for instance. That'd be great.

Right now, I have this one close friendship that takes precedence over a lot of other things in my life. I keep finding myself being the cheerful one in the relationship, and it's completely fake! I'm usually the depressed and gloomy one, but now I'm finding myself put on a front just to try to keep these two happy. It's so exausting. I've taken that front off once or twice, but then they just think I'm PMSing or something. Damnit. So freaking frustrating. *breaks something*

I like being gloomy. It fits me. I hate being cheerful unless it's 100% genuine.

I wish I could cry.

Missed Me

2005-01-17T02:35:00.000-05:00

Missed me, missed me, now you've got to kiss me
If you kiss me, mister, I might tell my sister
If I tell her, mister, she might tell my mother and my
Mother, mister, just might tell my father and my father
Mister, he won't be too happy and he'll have his lawyer
Come up from the city and arrest you, mister
So I wouldn't miss me, if you get me, mister, see?

Missed me, missed me, now you've got to kiss me
If you kiss me, mister, you must think I'm pretty
If you think so, mister, you must want to fuck me
If you fuck me, mister, it must mean you love me
If you love me, mister, you would never leave me
It's as simple as can be!

Missed me, missed me, now you've got to kiss me
If you miss me, mister, why do you keep leaving?
If you trick me, mister, I will make you suffer
And they'll get you, mister, put you in the slammer and forget
You, mister, then I think you'll miss me, won't you miss me?
Won't you miss me?

Missed me, missed me, now you've got to kiss me
If you kiss me, mister, take responsibility
I'm fragile, mister, just like any girl would be
And so misunderstood (so treat me delicately!)

Missed me, missed me, now you've gone and done it
Hope you're happy in the county penitentiary
It serves you right for kissing little girls
But I will visit if you miss me
Do you miss me? MISS ME??
How's the food they feed you??
Do you miss me?
Will you kiss me through the window?
Do you MISS ME? MISS ME??!!
Will they ever let you go???
I miss my mister so!!!

Reality Gave Me My Black Eyes

2005-01-14T01:52:00.000-05:00

You know something? I can be happy if I want to be. It's true. And it's relatively easy. So, perhaps you're wondering why I don't really put this happiness into effect? Because it feels too damn fake. It's good for a few minutes, but it's just not real. Soon enough. Soon enough.

I wish I could express my thoughts and feelings through words that were not merely grammatically correct, with correct spelling and decent punctuation... I'd like to be able to write songs and poems and the like. Truth is I'm just not good at it.

Titles, though... I can whip out a pretty dandy title just about any day. Need a name for your cd? I'm the kid to come to. Need help writing a song? I'll edit it and be brutally honest, but other than that, you're out of luck.

I know the difference between YOUR and YOU'RE!

There are some shows coming up to this area. These are the ones I and/or my friends and/or my family are interested in:

January 31st: Bright Eyes at the Raleigh Memorial Auditorium.
February 4th: Hawthorne Heights at the Tremont Music Hall in Charlotte.
February 19th: Atreyu, Norma Jean, and Unearth at Ziggy's in Winston Salem.
February 27th: Flogging Molly at the Tremont Music Hall in Charlotte.
March 10th: Chevelle at the House of Blues in Myrtle Beach.

Out of those, I'd love to see Bright Eyes and Norma Jean. Flogging Molly would be cool, but I could live without 'em. Bright Eyes, my favorite, looks the most probable. That is, if it isn't sold out already.

Today, my most common feeling was that of disposability. I want to be indispensable. Thankfully, before I had a chance to go to bed early and upset, one of my most beloved friends randomly said, "I truly cherish you deeply." That warmed my heart.

I might have more than just one or two friends at a time someday. If not, as long as I have a husband who loves me, I think I'll be just fine.

We are as forlorn as children lost in the wood. When you stand in front of me and look at me, what do you know of the griefs that are in me and what do I know of yours? And if I were to cast myself down before you and tell you, what more would you know about me than you know about Hell when someone tells you it is hot and dreadful? For that reason alone we human beings ought to stand before one another as reverently, as reflectively, as lovingly, as we could before the entrance to hell. -Franz Kafka

They Call It A Wasteland, Baby

2005-01-11T17:39:00.000-05:00

If I had a place to stay, I'd be able to move out this summer. Unfortunately, I don't think I have enough money or the ability to make enough money to pay for my own apartment or whatever, which is why I'd probably need a place to stay... But... Who knows what's going to happen? I wish I had an older cousin or something who lived in Chicago or one of those big cities. That'd rock like a Metallica show. Or... Something...

Things are kind of ugly in my life again. I go through stages of having an extremely close friend whom I love dearly to only having a friend whom I love dearly to only loving someone dearly... And then, eventually, they're gone, and the love is only a memory.

I'm tired of things being the way that they are. But whatever. Tomorrow is another day.

Frequent flyers in denial
And all the while
Emergency is evident
Revenants were the statues
Radar learning of huddled masses

The Dandelions Come Up Like Recurring Dreams

2005-01-07T01:44:00.000-05:00

"If I can't be with you, you might as well read this..."

I stole that today from [Noah's blog]. I don't really know who Noah is, but I sure do like the title of his blog.

"When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in someone's face and run like hell."

Okay. With that said, I love these lyrics. They're all remnants from songs by The Mountain Goats.

All Up The Seething Coast
Carry an apple in my pocket
I write reminders on my skin
Clip meaningless pictures from old magazines
I tape them to the walls
It's a bad place I'm in

And nothing you can say or do will stop me
And a thousand dead friends can't stop me

I go back to places I remember
See what's been going on without me
Stare down the strangers at the bus stop
Pretend they've been gossiping about me

Dance Music
Okay, so I'm seventeen years old
You're the last best thing I got going
But then the special secret sickness
Starts to eat through you
What am I supposed to do?
No way of knowing
So I follow you down your twisting alleyways
Find a few cul-de-sacs of my own
There's only one place this road ever ends up
And I don't wanna die alone
Let me down, let me down, let me down gently
When the police come to get me
I'm listenin' to dance music
Dance music

International Small Arms Traffic Blues
My love is like a powder keg
My love is like a powder keg in the corner of an empty warehouse
Somewhere just outside of town
About to burn down

Lab Rat Blues
I saw you, and I sank into your eyes.
I'm not going to apologize.

Letter From Belgium
When we walk out in the sunlight we tell everyone we know it hurts our eyes
When the real reason we don't like it is that it makes us wonder if we're dying

Lonesome Surprise
I had a name
Had a place
But like the clothes I wear
The holes grow everywhere
'Til it's like having nothing at all
Here's your lonesome surprise
Walked out of my shower, feeling more wet than baptized

New Star Song
I hung pictures of you from every lamp post in town
As the humidity climbed into numbers I don't care to repeat
The air was heavy and the sky was alive
And the Pacific Starlight train wasn't due in 'til 11:45

No Children
I am drowning.
There is no sign of land.
You are coming down with me,
Hand in unlovable hand.

And I hope you die,
I hope we both die.

I didn't get to finish reading all of the lyrics that I wanted to... So... I'll just close with these for now.

Palmcorder Yajna
Send somebody out for soda
Comb through the carpet for clues
Reflective tape on our sweatpants
Big holes in our shoes
Every couple minutes someone says he can't stand it any more
Laugh lines on our faces
Scale maps of the ocean floor

And I dreamt of a camera
Pointing out from inside the televsion
And the aperture yawning and blinking
And the headstones climbed up the hills

If anybody comes to see me
Tell 'em they just missed me by a minute
If anybody comes into our room while we're asleep
I hope they incinerate everybody in it

And I dreamt of a factory
Where they manufactured what I needed
Using shiny new machines
And the headstones climbed up the hills

Goodnight.

Stereotypical Hopeless Romantic

2005-01-05T22:27:00.000-05:00

Yes, I have feelings too.

I want to find someone who is so romantic and so in love with me that he will drive to my house and tap on my window just so that he kiss me goodnight. I want someone who can be with a million other people, and pay attention to no one but me. I want someone who just loves looking into my eyes, can tell when I'm lying, knows just how to make me smile genuinely, and really wants to know what I'm thinking. I want him to think I have the cutest lips of any girl he's ever seen. I want him to think that I'm the perfect size and shape. I want him to know my favorite colors. I want him to want to talk and share more than be entertained by music, movies, etc. I want him to write me short little love-notes. I want him to think I'm cute. I want him to impress me without being cocky or arrogant. I want him to encourage my femininity. I want him to be a leader. I want him to be honest and open with me. I want to be his confidant. I want him to be tactful. I want him to be patient and understanding. I want him to open doors for me. I want him to be a hopeless romantic. I want him to like good love stories. I want him to be manly and *gasp* sexual. I want him to be protective. I want him to appreciate real beauty. I want him to appreciate me. I want him to be respectful. I want him to be intelligent. I want him to have dreams. I want him to be my perfect size and shape. I want him to want me. I want him to be lovable. I want him to be affectionate. I want to be touched. I want to belong with someone. I want someone to belong with. I want to be loved.

I'm sorry. I was just pondering last night, and that's what I was pondering about.

Any takers?

Say Yes

2005-01-04T02:26:00.000-05:00

Today was a good one. I met Brandon, the brother of an old schoolmate of mine. He's 20, and just moved back from Texas. He's quite tall, and quite cool as well.

I, along with my dear Chris, Myriah, and Brandon, went to Fort Macon for the early evening. It wasn't nearly as interesting as it usually is, and I'm not quite sure why, but it was fun nonetheless. In the end, we were escorted out by a ranger of sorts. He was a moron. He got mad at Chris for moving a door. He reminded us with a smirk, "You shouldn't touch what doesn't belong to you." I thought about jumping off of his grass, apologizing for touching it, and then assuring him that I would learn to fly so that I'd never have to touch his precious trappings again. I didn't, though.

Okay, I'm sorry, but Chris and I would make an extremely hott couple, damnit.

In life, there are two possibilities for everything. You can do something, or you can do nothing. In most cases, doing something is recommended, but you must be aware that when you do something, you engage your interests in it, and there is a chance of failure and hurt. If what you were working towards fails, you'll have two more possibilities. You can either let it go, or you can keep fighting and do your best to regain what life there once was. The trick is knowing when you should fight, and when you should just give up.

I'm not very good at letting things go. Especially after I've allowed my heart to be involved. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad characteristic.

I just stumbled upon this song as I was searching through the music on my computer... This is part of Say Yes by Elliot Smith.

It's always been wait and see
A happy day and then you pay
And feel like shit the morning after
But now I feel changed around
And instead of falling down
I'm standing up the morning after

Situations get fucked up
And turned around sooner or later

And I could be another fool
Or an exception to the rule
You tell me the morning after
Crooked spin can't come to rest
I'm damaged bad at best
He'll decide what he wants
I'll probably be the last to know
No one says until it shows
See how it is
They want you or they don't
Say yes

I like finding songs that fit my current situations. This one is hopeful, and yet wistful at the same time. I just wish I had more hopefulness than wistfulness right now...

You're awesome for reading this.

I Have Nothing To Offer

2005-01-01T01:47:00.000-05:00

So... Here I am updating again. And for what? I dunno.

Remember Y2K? Good times.

I'm listening to the Smashing Pumpkins, who just so happen to be one of my favorite bands of all time, and I'm drinking faux champagne. How hott is that? SP and bubbly white grape juice. This is good.

Tonight was rather uneventful. Other than welcoming in a new year, that is. My mom wasn't feeling well, so my dad and I had tortilla chips with refried beans, salsa (medium spicy, restaurant style salsa, mind you), sour cream, and my super wonderful guacamole, and we sat around watching the Twilight Zone marathon for about four hours. The ball came down, glasses were touched, and a new year began.

Once again, there was no one to kiss. Next year? I'll be eighteen. Maybe I'll have a bit of a chance by then.

Resolutions? So this is the new year and I have no resolutions. It's self-assigned penance for problems with easy solutions. It's true. I have no resolutions.

Yeah. I'm tired. This is all the rambling I'm going to do for today. Happy 2005.

The Celibate Life

2004-12-31T01:04:00.000-05:00

Someday, I want to be artistic. I want to be interesting. I also want to be attractive. I don't particularly care about being popular with many people... I just want to be popular among a few friends. I'd like to be the type of person who needs to be there to make things feel complete. I want to be loved.

I've been told that if I were to change my appearance (ie clothes, hair, etc.), I'd find that there would be many more guys interested in dating me or whatever. As much as I want that, I don't know if I'm willing to give up what I am right now.

I can think of four boys that have really, really liked me in the past. I'm not talking about crushes where they thought I was cute or cool or whatever. These are the guys who actually got to know me, were my friends, and genuinely liked me for who I was. They may have even loved me. I don't know. Out of those guys, I only liked two back. One of them was my first boyfriend. I was about 10, I think. The second was from the same area, Wilson, but when we found out that we liked one another, I had already moved out here, so nothing materialized.

Of course, I had countless other crushes and boyfriends and admirers... But those are just the four boys that really stand out.

Last night, I realized something. Over the years, I have done a very good job of refining my taste in young men. There are some guys who may have liked me a long time ago that I wouldn't consider liking then, and would definitely think twice about now. It's interesting how people change.

There have been people who have said that I cannot find a boy worth liking who likes me back here because I live in a wasteland. I wonder if this is true. I wonder if things would be different if I lived in Wilson still. Or Louisville, KY. Or New York City. Or Chicago, IL. Or Seattle, WA. Would anything be different? Would I be different?

I think that I have changed in a bad way too. My personality used to be much stronger. I think it's because I had more self-esteem and confidence. Little events in a person's life can change a lot about that person, and they can change a lot about that person's future.

I hate impersonal relationships. They seem so pointless. I hate going to the movies with people every time we hang out, not because I don't like going to the movies, but because I want to talk with them and get to know them better. I suppose that sounds kind of like most boys' worst nightmare for a girlfriend... Someone who wants to talk all the time and get to know them... I don't know. I just don't want shallow relationships!

I want to find someone who really wants to get to know me. I want someone to get to know me. I want someone to understand who I really am and where I'm really coming from. I'd also like to find someone who appreciates me and my preferences.

I sure hope God is really looking out for me along the lines of relationships.

Don't you hate it when you find someone "perfect," but then find out that they're not, only because they don't return your affections? Yeah. It sucks.

Hm. I've been whining so much lately. How much do I really have to whine about? Not that much, I suppose. I apologize to the few of you who have had to put up with my whining. You're good friends for being there for me, though. I appreciate you so very much.

On to slight randomness.

Smells are so amazing. It's incredible how you can connect them to past experiences so easily. I'm a big fan of good smells. Especially on boys who hug me. That's beautiful. I bring this all up because the jacket that I'm wearing right now smells absolutely heavenly. A mix of my laundry detergent and softener, and my perfume, I suppose. Heavenly.

I am an only child until Saturday evening. I like it that way. I have my choice of computer or tv, and it's quiet no matter which I choose. And I don't have to take people with me everywhere that I go. And I thought I was going to get to have some time to just hang out with a friend of mine, but he ended up having other plans. In any case, I still got to be without siblings.

If it were not 1am, cool outside, and December, I'd go to the pier right now. Unfortunately, they're closed, and mom and dad would probably be rather upset if I left this late.

I'm kind of looking forward to starting work at the Water Boggan again this summer. I hated it a lot of the time while I was there, but I made good money. And I got a tan. I mostly just miss the excessive money.

Work is going well. Jessica, my manager, loves me and is keeping me beyond just the seasonal employee time. I'm only getting in between 5 and 9 hours a week at minimum wage, but it's better than nothing. And I'm not doing anything that I hate. I'm afraid I'll just need to be looking for another job to have along with this one. Especially being homeschooled again for this next semester. I don't know if I'll be able to tolerate all of this time at home.

Hey, um, if any of you ghost people who read this without me being aware of it would like to comment sometime, I'd adore you forever. I just want some comments. I want to know you exist and read my words.

I WANT TO BE SPECIAL!

I'd also like to find my talent. I have to be talented at something. Sure, I'm good at a few things, but I want to find something that I'm exceptionally good at. *shrug*

I'm trying to think of anything else that I can say to let you get a glimpse of my soul without me ending up whining or gushing... I'm quite the emo kid. Hate them, if you'd like, but they do exist, and they are emotional, and I'm one of them.

In my life, I've never wanted to be the girl who has a million friends, admirers, and fans. I've always just wanted a small group of friends who like to be around me. Right now, there is only one person who has been hanging out with me a lot, and he's been disappointing me severely a lot. It's really sad. I love him dearly, but it's just really hurting my heart. At first, I felt accepted and loved, but now I'm feeling like that side order of cole slaw that you feel obligated to eat and enjoy just because it's there and it's tangy.

Damn the shallow people!

I want one person to love me. I cannot even begin to think about how happy I'll be when I find him.

I'll stop before I start.

Since you've read this, you're officially awesome. Thank you. I love you. Goodnight.

My Sweet Fracture

2004-12-30T14:35:00.000-05:00

Could you tell me the next time that you're choking?
I'll run right over
to shove some dirt right down your throat
It's nothing I have against you
You're just a creep and
you can't remember the last five years
What's a bond if it dissolves in water?
I took a piss that lasted longer
than you and your manipulations
I called my mom last night
She said, "Sweetie, you don't need someone
who's more fleeting than fall."
Don't you love those leaves?
Don't you wish the orange stayed forever
And crickets sang in the night all through winter?
And I thought, slow down
Think of all the time this jerk
has fucked you up and left you down
And hey, I choose my company
by the beating of their hearts
Not the swelling of their heads
Don't you love those leaves?
Don't you wish the orange stayed forever
And crickets sang in the night all through winter?
Besides, I'd rather forget the days we spent
trying to stay afloat in shallow water.

A regular update coming eventually, I'd assume.

Heh...

2004-12-29T02:38:00.000-05:00

And I thought nobody read this...

You Cross Your Heart And Hope To Die

2004-12-26T01:52:00.000-05:00

I hate this. :( I get crushes easily, but I don't really fall in like very easily at all. Damnit! I don't know why... But my heart is hurting worse than usual with this one... :*( Maybe it's because I thought I had hope.

Oh man.

It's, oh, so quiet
It's, oh, so still
You're all alone
And so peaceful until...

You fall in love
Zing boom
The sky above
Zing boom
Is caving in
Wow bam
You've never been so nuts about a guy
You wanna laugh you wanna cry
You cross your heart and hope to die

'Til it's over and then
It's nice and quiet
But soon again
Starts another big riot

You blow a fuse
Zing boom
The devil cuts loose
Zing boom
So what's the use
Wow bam
Of falling in love

It's, oh, so quiet
It's, oh, so still
You're all alone
And so peaceful until...

You ring the bell
Bim bam
You shout and you yell
Hi ho ho
You broke the spell
Gee, this is swell you almost have a fit
This guy is 'gorge' and I got hit
There's no mistake this is it

'Til it's over and then
It's nice and quiet
But soon again
Starts another big riot

You blow a fuse
Zing boom
The devil cuts loose
Zing boom
What's the use
Wow bam
Of falling in love

The sky caves in
The devil cuts loose
You blow blow blow blow your fuse
When you've fallen in love

Ssshhhhh...

On this, the day of my Saviour's birth...

2004-12-25T13:38:00.000-05:00

Merry effing Christmas.

:)

About A Boy

2004-12-23T01:02:00.000-05:00

Morgan's heart isn't doing very well lately. It's been suffering rather silently for the past year and a half or so, but today gave it a little jolt which caused that sharp pain to come back. Like I said, it had been silent for a while, making friends and being nice, but a few weeks ago, it made a big mistake. It became attached to a young man. Unfortunately, Morgan didn't do anything to fix this little crush, and it grew into something slightly larger. Now, the heart is in critical condition, and is due to be receiving some sort of tear treatment within the next hour or so.

I'm not all for this. It just gives you an idea of a bit of pain... I especially love the fifth and sixth lines.

Biting keeps your words at bay
Tending to the sores that stay
Happiness is just a gash away
When I open a familiar scar
Pain goes shooting like a star
Comfort hasn't failed to follow so far...

And you might say it's self-indulgent
You might say it's self-destructive
But, you see, it's more productive
Than if I were to be healthy

And pens and penknives take the blame
Crane my neck and scratch my name
But the ugly marks
Are worth the momentary gain...
When I jab a sharpened object in
Choirs of angels seem to sing
Hymns of hate in memorandum

And you might say it's self-indulgent
And you might say it's self-destructive
But, you see, it's more productive
Than if I were to be happy

And sappy songs about sex and cheating
Bland accounts of two lovers meeting
Make me want to give mankind a beating

And you might say it's self-destructive
But, you see, I'd kick the bucket
Sixty times before I'd kick the habit

And as the skin rips off I cherish the revolting thought
That even if I quit
There's not a chance in hell I'd stop
And anyone can see the signs
Mittens in the summertime
Thank you for your pity, you are too kind

And you might say it's self-inflicted
But, you see, that's contradictive
Why on earth would anyone practice self-destruction?

And pain opinions are sitcom feeding
They don't know that their minds are teething
Makes me want to give mankind a beating

I've tried bandages and sinking
I've tried gloves and even thinking
I've tried vaseline
I've tried everything
And no-one cares if your back is bleeding
They're concerned with their hair receding
Looking back it was all maltreating
Every thought that occurred misleading

Makes me want to give myself a beating...

Christopher Kent Knight

2004-12-21T03:03:00.000-05:00

Chris Made A Funny

2004-12-19T13:43:00.000-05:00

"When I was a little kid, I loved playing with Barbies. Yeah. At first, my mom thought I was gay, but later she realized that I was just a slut. Yeah, I've always loved women... A lot."

Chris is a cool kid.

Better When It Rains

2004-12-15T22:49:00.000-05:00

Do you ever want to just kick your own ass? "You stupid, fucking idiot! What the hell is your problem?! Why aren't you going to do anything?! How the hell can you be so damn stupid?! You deserve to die."

Sometimes I wish I could just leave. Death is slightly too permanent for my taste, at the moment. I'm sure you're all terribly relieved to hear that.

I hate being where I am. There's something that I really want to do, and I'm able to do it, but I'm afraid of it. Damnit. It's something that would either make me happy, or would make me sad. Right now, there's just constant turmoil. Of course the happy part would be better, but right now, even the sad part would be better than this.

I see what I want, and it's something that I've wanted for a long time... But I am just sitting here... Not doing anything... Being so freaking passive it is pathetic.

And is God going to do anything about it? I don't even know. What if this is one of those times where I'm supposed to just stay how I am and wait it out... Or... What if this is one of those times where I'm supposed to be assertive. "God helps those who help themselves." Which is it? Which do I choose? Everything I see has been pointed towards action, but I'm so damn scared of it that I'm convincing myself that I don't even know if it's worth it.

I hate this. I wish I didn't have to worry about it, and the action would just be done for me. That's how it's supposed to be. But it just doesn't feel right. Nothing feels right. What is right anymore?

Why the hell does this always happen to me? Why can't I just be happy for once without being tortured continually? I'm never happy. Is it always me being unsatisfied with everything, or is it because I seriously just cannot get what I have been striving for? I don't freaking understand.

My situation is one where it would really be a good thing if it worked out. It's not like, "Oh man. I really want a car, but my parents won't buy it for me..." It's something that I've been looking forward to for the longest time. I've been waiting. Not so patiently, but waiting nonetheless. I haven't given up. I've kept striving for it. And what now? I see something so perfect, but it's just dangling in front of me and that's all...

I thought this was going to be a semi-calm post. Clearly, it isn't really pretending to be as calm as I had anticipated. I'm burning alive inside, but, of course, as I always do, I'm hiding it on the outside. External emotional freaking shut down. This is my only vent. Thank God not many people read this...

Anyway. Perhaps this situation will remedy itself. I don't know. If it does, believe me, you'll know.

Another Untitled Poem

2004-12-13T01:17:00.000-05:00

Don't go...
Don't leave me wanting,
I am here,
Where the dusk falls,
Where the stars kiss the sky,
And I am waiting...

Waiting...

How many times have I written that word?
Could the ink fill this cup in front of me?
Or would it just leave a stain on my shirt?

I am waiting... I am still here.

-Brandon Carpenter

GIMMEGIMMEGIMME!

2004-12-10T01:30:00.000-05:00

Christmas Wish List
»~~Sexy lingerie~~
»Money
»The Rocky Horror Picture Show DVD
»The Rocky Horror Picture Show Soundtrack
»Blank cds
»Giftcards to places like Hot Topic, Michael's, Target, Wal-mart, etc.
»Homemade coupons for free food or thrift store stuff and a friendly "date" with you
»Some sort of odd, large bag (purse) with a long strap, or a super odd tshirt (size small in men's or large in girls')
»Brightly colored eyeshadow in weird colors (bright blue, pink, green, red, etc.)
»Some sort of collection of random stuff (makeup, candles, candy, giftcards, etc.)
»Smashing Pumpkins' Pisces Iscariot or Gish
»Super cool, artistic, dark-looking journal of sorts
»Mixed tapes and/or cds!!!
»Free vowels

Hm. Does that make it any easier? For those of you who are out of state, feel free to ask about mailing options. ;)

Just Give The Dog The Bone

2004-12-03T01:11:00.000-05:00

I seriously doubt that I will ever own a pet. They are the boyfriend or husband that every girl has to have so she can feel loved and accepted. They are the child that every mother has to have to feel loved and needed. They are the cowering girlfriend or wife that every beastly, sexist male has to have to feel powerful. I don't like them.

I hate those commercials that make pets seem like children. Why would anyone buy gifts for their pets, hide them, wrap them, and then stick them under the tree for Christmas? Is the dog really going to care that its new bone just appeared out of nowhere, smelling of dust, and wrapped up in cartoon snowmen? No.

And what is the problem with making the "Christmas season" for every religion? It bothers me that people can't accept the fact that Christianity is not the only holiday celebrated, and doesn't need to be the only holiday acknowledged. I like the commercial for that cellphone that includes everyone. It's good.

I swear. This is what makes Christianity so hated. Christians are prejudiced against so many things. Of course, no one is free from some sort of prejudice, but nonetheless... Christians are supposed to be all about love. SHOW IT.

Think I'm being bitchy? Read on.

I hate it when people write such sappy, cute posts and whatnot. But, then again, I hate it when they write about how much their lives suck. You know why I dislike that sort of thing so much? Because I long to be able to do the prior, and I do far too much of the latter.

People are annoying. Fascinating, but annoying.

I feel as though I am trapping myself. I don't quite know how, but I am. I want to be so much smarter than I am. I want to do so much more than I can. I want to be someone that you are intimidated by just because they are something you're unfamiliar with.

Goths are no longer frightening. Punks aren't tough. Preps aren't as snotty. Jocks aren't as exclusive. Geeks aren't as geeky. Artists are selling out. Music makers are being overtaken by the generic. Everything is mixing together. But it's fake. It's becoming one large mass of... Of... Nothing. And I am criticized about writing about it, because I'm "trying too hard to be different." Or I'm "being too hypocritical." Screw that. I'm writing about it because I think the entire thing is stupid, and I'm disgusted to be a part of it. And I am a part of it.

But I digress.

Today, my mother received an email from her father. I haven't seen him in about 10 years. His wife, Brenda, is friends with the North Carolina State Senator Richard Burr. My grandfather wants me to be an intern for him over the summer. I'd live in D.C., which would be absolutely awesome... And I'd probably get paid for it. And live in a dorm. Everyone thinks it's a wonderful opportunity, but I'm a bit nervous about it. I don't know what I'll have to do, and I don't know I'll fit in with everyone and everything there. I'm terribly shy when it comes to being around people I don't know. Especially people who intimidate me. People who are important and/or "popular." I don't know. It'll be an experience. To be sure.

I'll have to buy new clothes and dye my hair a "natural" color. And I'll have to be all cute and feminine. *sigh* I'm especially nervous about impressing my grandfather. My mom says I'm exactly like him, which means he's critical, and he doesn't show his emotions, including love and appreciation, very well. And I believe he's rather well-to-do. Oi. At least I'll know where he's coming from. And I think I'll relate to him well enough.

That's about all that's going on, really. So. I suppose I'll close here. Thanks for reading.

Headfirst For Halos

2004-11-28T22:04:00.000-05:00

Well let's go back to the middle of the day that starts it all
I can't begin to let you know just what I'm feeling
And now the red ones make me fly
And the blue ones help me fall
And I think I'll blow my brains against the ceiling
And as the fragments of my skull begin to fall
Fall on your tongue like pixie dust just think happy thoughts

And we'll fly home
We'll fly home
You and I
We'll fly home

Well now I'm back in the middle of the day that starts it all.
Well I can't begin to let you know just what I'm feeling.
And now these red ones make me fly,
And the blue ones help me fall.
And I think I'll blow my brain against the ceiling.

And we'll fly home,
We'll fly home,
You and I,
We'll fly home.

Now honestly that's what I said to her, what I said to her
Think happy thoughts.

~My Chemical Romance

A Weekend Getaway: Part I

2004-11-22T00:38:00.000-05:00

Three, Underoath, Coheed and Cambria... What do these three bands have in common? They were all at the Tremont Music Hall in Charlotte, North Carolina on November 20th, and I was there to see them.

We'll start with the drive there. I left my house at 9:05am on Saturday. Myriah and I had to drop by my mom's work and say adieu. We sat in the parking lot for a bit after that due to some technical difficulties with the sound system, but after fixing the cd player in my vehicle, we were off to Nate's house.

Nate was late. We told him we'd be by his house around 9:45-10:00. His alarm clock had been going off sporadically since about 9am, but he didn't pay attention to it. He only finally got up after his dad reset the clock to 10:15 and yelled, "Nate! It's 10:15!" It was really only 9:30, but it got him up.

He had to get dressed and fix his hair before we could leave, but I still needed to print off the directions since my printer was being an ass, so it was alright. We left late, but got gas and got the car washed, and then arrived on time.

We had to pick Matt out from the middle of a parade. It was insane. People were pushing and shoving. The roads were flooded with a throng of mothers with strollers and small children dripping from their fingertips. It took several illegal turns and several frustrated exclamations before I finally made my way over to where we were supposed to pick him up. When we finally got there, we found an extra surprise; Chris was going with us to grab some lunch before we hit the road again.

Getting out of that area was mad. The roads were packed with the above mentioned mothers, and now there were cars of many various shapes, sizes, and colors darting about from paved roadway to paved roadway. It took many more minutes than usual to get out of this labyrinth, but we finally made it out alive and with tasteful thoughts of lunch.

We at first tried Chick Fil A in the mall, but the lines were tremendous, so we settled for everyone's favorite, Taco Bell. Oh yes. We chilled there for a bit, and then Chris' mother came by to take him away from us, and we drove away rather speedily into the dusk... At... 12pm.

From there, we drove many miles and sang along with many songs, and finally ended up somewhere other than Jacksonville. We stopped occasionally at gas stations and a Wal-Mart. Once, we stopped at a rather large river in the Uwharrie Forest area. I made many wrong turns, and back tracked a good many miles. Finally, though, we reached Charlotte.

The boys' bladders were full, so they needed to visit a rest stop of sorts before we hit the concert lines. We searched far and near throughout the ghettos of downtown Charlotte, and finally came across a building that could possibly house a toilet or two. The windows were barred and the occupants seemed rather hostile, but the boys figured it was worth a shot. Unfortunately, that toilet/those toilets within this dismal structure were private commodes, and so our young men were forced to resort to slightly less conventional means of relief. They ran around behind the building, did their business, and then sauntered back to the car, zipping up their pants and fastening their belts, much to the amusement of the several buff onlookers. Myriah and I did our best to hurry them along into the car before these aforementioned buff onlookers decided to take some action in defense of the rear wall of their store, and when they finally took the hint, we sped out of the parking lot and into the dark streets awaiting the massage of our tire treads upon its worn back.

Tempers were flaring and music was blaring as we worked our way to the music hall. Some wanted to stop and wait, others wanted food and fun. In the end, food and fun won out, and so I drove on until we found a Dunkin' Donuts. Several bagels and jokes about heroine later, we once again returned to the car and made our way back to the music hall.

When we arrived, I parked the car on a grassy knoll, and we waded through the weeds and emo hair towards the house of our amusement... And then we stopped short at the end of a line that snaked its way around the building and seemingly across the entire circumference of the world. There, in front of us, was a young man who captured the art of humor as though it were nothing more than a floating bubble in the winds of conversation. He called himself Dan. Dan was the reason we made it through that line alive. He kept our spirits awake and alive with tales of sewing fingers together and finding tickets and whatnot.

When we finally made it into the building, the air was hot with bodies and the smell was that of smoke and body odors. The lights were low, and the crowds were still... And then appeared Three.

Three was made up of more than three men who appeared to be somewhere near thirty or above. Their vocals were strong, clear, and attractive, but the guitarist's fingers weren't moving nearly as quickly as his notes were flying, which brought on some rather disturbing thoughts. It was like Ashlee Simpson on SNL all over again.

Underoath was much more excitedly welcomed. They sounded very nice, and the band members were interesting. The keyboardist appeared to be doing nothing more than pushing a few random keys here and there and headbanging between... But that's pure speculation from a lowly Morgan.

Coheed and Cambria were quite lovely. Claudio's hair brought thrills and chills up the spines of all who were in viewing range. His voice melted through the offkey melodies thrown in by the crowd. Cheering, surfing, and moshing quickly ensued. It was truly a beautiful thing...

Maybe Yes, Maybe No, Maybe Maybe

2004-11-17T03:10:00.000-05:00

I said, "Yeah... I haven't had an actual boyfriend for a while."
She said, "You know, guys don't find it very attractive when you say that sort of thing... *snobbish sniff* Maybe that's why."

*sigh*

Is that why? No. It's because I'm too damn picky. _{andmostboysthinkimaloserorsomething...}

Anyway. I was just thinking tonight about my love life, or the lack thereof. I'm cool not having a boyfriend, which is a good sign, I suppose. However, it can be rather hard on one's self-esteem nonetheless... Which is not good. In any way.

Life was so much easier when I was 12. Man. I had so many little boyfriends back in the day. Why'd it change? I don't know. Maybe I knew how to flirt back then, and I just lost it over the years... Or something. I don't know. There is only one guy who will ever truly count, and he is yet to be a major part of my life. I think. I hope.

[quiz]

I have an argumentative paper that needs to be written.

I ♥ you.

Where I Am

2004-11-15T02:31:00.000-05:00

Lately, I just can't seem to believe
Discard my friends to change the scenery
It meant the world to hold a bruising faith
But now it's just a matter of grace

This really sums up a lot for me right now. I'm at a rather odd point in my life. I'm ready to leave, even though that would mean leaving the friends that I love. I'm finding it slightly difficult to hold onto the faith that I've known all of my life, mainly because I'm seeing it twisted and abused so very much. In the end of everything, I'm leaving it all to grace.

(From To Shiela by The Smashing Pumpkins)

Y? Because we love you...

2004-11-12T01:42:00.000-05:00

Okay. First off. I love you.

I feel like having a good, thick rant. At the moment, however, I can't focus on one thing in particular that is bothering me. FREEWRITING TIME!

Today has been one of those kinds of days that are filled to the brim with good things, bad things, things that make you think, things you don't want to think about, things that make you want to smile and cry about at the same time, and things that make you want to laugh and vomit on at the same time. The good comes with the bad. I'm glad today's good things kind of weighed evenly with the bad things.

I had been listening to five Postal Service songs over and over. Why only five? Because, for one reason or another, only five off of the cd were uploaded onto my computer. So, I have numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, and 8. After about the fifth or sixth time through those five songs, I got bored with it, and turned it off. Then, I started looking through my favorite websites. I found this. And that's what I'm listening to now. Repetitively. It's catchy in an incredibly annoying way. If this guy made a cd, and I were a millionaire, I might just buy it.

Screw that. The Blood Brothers, here I come.

I want a boyfriend, but I really don't. Figure that one out.

There are three things that I can think of right now that I am looking forward to doing. One is sure to happen, one may not happen, and one may not happen as soon as I'd like.

1.) Coheed and Cambria/Underoath concert in Charlotte on the 20th of November. Myriah, Nate, Chris (or someone), and I, driving in my car, staying in Charlotte... It's going to be interesting.

2.) Trip to Louisville, KY, to see Chyppe and John. Possibly either my mom, sister, and I driving to Louisville, or just Myriah and I driving to Louisville. Either way, it's not sure yet, but we'd hopefully be staying possibly from the 18th to the 23rd of December.

3.) Moving out and starting my own life. The soonest possible date is March 5th, 2005. As much as I'm looking forward to it and wanting it to happen... I'm scared too. I don't know what I'll do, but I want to do something. Who knows what'll happen?

I have school tomorrow. I get my car back again tomorrow. I work from 6 until about 9:45 tomorrow evening.

I wonder how many people read this. One? Me? *sigh*

I've been getting dizzy again lately. Not nearly as seriously as The Great Dizzyness of '01, though. It's more of an annoyance than a worry. Kind of like when you stand up way too fast and you get that dizzy feeling. It's just odd. Like, every once in a while, the world pauses, rewinds, and then plays again. But only a split second's worth. I don't know.

God Bless You, Blood Thirsty Zeppelins.

I've bored you long enough... That is... If anyone is actually reading this... And it's 1:40am. I think that I should probably start trying to go to sleep before 2am. It'd be good to get 8 hours of sleep at night.

So I bid to you goodnight, tonight. Sleep tight, my love.

Make Me Emo

2004-11-11T23:59:00.000-05:00

Nate.

The Early Bright

2004-11-11T02:38:00.000-05:00

I did not take this picture.

I edited it and fell in love.

This is [Josh].

Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'n' Roll

2004-11-07T20:35:00.000-05:00

Man. Popularity and peer pressure and all of that crap sucks so badly. I hate it.

It really bothers me how sex, drugs, and ~~rock 'n' roll~~ alcohol are so insanely available and popular and loved throughout the masses. It makes me feel like I don't fit in when the rest of the kids are partying and drinking the night away, but I still wouldn't want to be a part of it.

I have mixed feelings about the whole ordeal, really, and that's what I hate the most. People make it look so good, but at the same time, I know the consequences, and I know it isn't good forever. I don't have a problem with being myself regardless of what other people think, but I am human, so I'm bound to want to fit in. It seems like just about everyone my age (that I know in person, and excepting a few people who just happen to be homeschooled) is either partying every weekend and having a blast, or they're "losers" who do their best to fit in and be a part of the crowd and end up just being miserable anyway. There are so few people who are "normal" and yet like me at the same time... It is so frustrating.

My dream life? Living someplace where I have the world at my fingertips, can be self-sufficient and unique, and can just have my own little life and lifestyle.

I guess this is just one of those down parts to being a teenager/young adult. Maybe by the time I'm 64 or so I'll be able to not party and still be cool.

Ahhh. Who cares?

Bottom Of The Bottle

2004-11-06T01:21:00.000-05:00

The Akashic Library

2004-11-03T16:46:00.000-05:00

You should really, really go read some of [this]. At least the first story...

HOTT

2004-10-30T18:20:00.000-05:00

Damn. I love my work.

Today was a hectic mess. Hot Topic at Halloween is something to behold. It's hott.

I bought a belt, cd, button, and a pair of earrings for under $7.35. The whole clearance rack was an additional 50% off, and then I had my employee discount of 40% off... So, yeah. Happy day.

I saw Selina today! I haven't seen her in such a very, very long time. Since the beginning of January, I think. She's so cool. I really should find more friends like her. Maybe if I tried super hard, I could find one or two... Maybe.

Word of the day: hott. Why? Dunno.

I am HOTT.

And I'm tired and hungry, and I wanted Taco Bell, but I didn't get any while I was out. So. I don't know. Something. And then something else.

Okay. Well, I just felt like updating this with something other than a rant, song, or poem. That's it.

Darkness

2004-10-30T18:13:00.000-05:00

I had a dream, which was not all a dream.
The bright sun was extinguished, and the stars
Did wander darkling in the eternal space,
Rayless, and pathless, and the icy earth
Swung blind and blackening in the moonless air;
Morn came and went—and came, and brought no day,
And men forgot their passions in the dread
Of this their desolation; and all hearts
Were chilled into a selfish prayer for light:
And they did live by watchfires—and the thrones,
The palaces of crowned kings—the huts,
The habitations of all things which dwell,
Were burnt for beacons; cities were consumed,
And men were gathered round their blazing homes
To look once more into each other's face;
Happy were those who dwelt within the eye
Of the volcanos, and their mountain-torch:
A fearful hope was all the world contained;
Forests were set on fire—but hour by hour
They fell and faded—and the crackling trunks
Extinguished with a crash—and all was black.
The brows of men by the despairing light
Wore an unearthly aspect, as by fits
The flashes fell upon them; some lay down
And hid their eyes and wept; and some did rest
Their chins upon their clenched hands, and smiled;
And others hurried to and fro, and fed
Their funeral piles with fuel, and looked up
With mad disquietude on the dull sky,
The pall of a past world; and then again
With curses cast them down upon the dust,
And gunshot their teeth and howled: the wild birds shrieked
And, terrified, did flutter on the ground,
And flap their useless wings; the wildest brutes
Came tame and tremulous; and vipers crawled
And twined themselves among the multitude,
Hissing, but stingless—they were slain for food
And War, which for a moment was no more,
Did glut himself again:—a meal was bought
With blood, and each sate sullenly apart
Gorging himself in gloom: no love was left;
All earth was but one thought—and that was death
Immediate and inglorious; and the pang
Of famine fed upon all entrails—men
Died, and their bones were tombless as their flesh;
The meagre by the meagre were devoured,
Even dogs assailed their masters, all save one,
And he was faithful to a corse, and kept
The birds and beast and famished men at bay,
Till hunger clung them, or the dropping dead
Lured their lank jaws; himself sought out no food,
But with a piteous and perpetual moan,
And a quick desolate cry, licking the hand
Which answered not a caress—he died.
The crowd was famished by degrees; but two
Of an enormous city did survive,
And they were enemies: they met beside
The dying embers of an altar-place
Where had been heaped a mass of holy things
For an unholy usage; they raked up,
And shivering scraped with their cold skeleton hands
The feeble ashes, and their feeble breath
Blew for a little life, and made a flame
Which was a mockery; then they lifted up
Their eyes as it grew lighter, and beheld
Each others aspects—saw, and shrieked, and died—
Even of their mutual hideousness they died,
Unknowing who he was upon whose brow
Famine had written Fiend. The world was void,
The populous and the powerful was a lump
Seasonless, herbless, treeless, manless, lifeless,
A lump of death—a chaos of hard clay.
The rivers, lakes, and oceans all stood still,
And nothing stirred within their silent depths;
Ships sailorless lay rotting on the sea,
And their masts fell down piecemeal: as they dropped
They slept on the abyss without a surge—
The waves were dead; the tides were in their grave,
The moon, their mistress, had expired before;
The winds were withered in the stagnant air,
And the clouds perished; Darkness had no need
Of air from them—She was the Universe.

~Lord Byron

Cupid De Locke

2004-10-29T12:30:00.000-05:00

Cupid hath pulled back his sweetheart's bow
To cast divine arrows into her soul
To grab her attention swift and quick
Or morrow the marrow of her bones be thick
With turpentine kisses and mistaken blows

See the devil may do as the devil may care
He loves none sweeter as sweeter the dare
Her mouth the mischief he doth seek
Her heart the captive of which he speaks
So note all ye lovers in love with the sound
Your world be shattered with nary a note
Of one cupid's arrow under your coat

And in the land of star crossed lovers
And barren hearted wanderers
Forever lost in forsaken missives and satan's pull
We seek the unseekable and we speak the unspeakable
Our hopes dead gathering dust to dust
In faith, in compassion, and in love

Live With Your Own Damn Grass

2004-10-25T03:00:00.000-05:00

"The grass is always greener on the other side." I wish you would just live with your own damn grass instead of fertilizing it and trimming it past recognition, spray painting it green, or wishing you had someone else's lawn. Don't pretend it's pretty, but don't imagine that it's dead. Live with your own damn grass, and appreciate that you have grass period.

Sometimes people get so distracted by keeping their chin up that they don't totally see reality. They don't like to admit when they are down, when they don't think things are going well for them, or when life just isn't as beautiful as it used to be, so they ignore it instead and "look on the bright side". For one thing, they think it looks tough to appear happy all the time. For another, sometimes I think they're frightened by disappointment, depression, and sadness, so they pretend it isn't there. They pretend they're positive, upbeat, and cheerful. They put on a front to make themselves feel better.

I don't like it when people say things like "I can't complain" all the time. Especially when things clearly aren't going well. That is so fake. And then they condemn the people who are depressed or just melancholy for being lost in their sadness or not being peppy enough. People think that drowning yourself in your sorrow is such an awful thing... Well, it is, but drowning yourself in happiness is just as bad!

In life, there is good and there is bad. It is inevitable that you will deal with each at one point or another. Maybe you'll have more of one than of the other, but that's just the way it goes. You love the good, and you learn from the bad, and then you love the good that much more for having lived through the bad. If you ignore the bad, you corrupt the good and make it altogether meaningless.

If I had a choice between optimism and pessimism, I'd go with pessimism, but I'd greatly prefer realism, which is most definitely the hardest to attain.

If some of that didn't make sense, ponder the parts that did.

If you're happy right now, stay happy. If you're sad, stay sad. If you don't give a shit one way or another, then perhaps you should re-evaluate your outlook on life. Above all else, just be real.

Treasure those around you. You never know when they will be gone. You never know when you will be gone.

Don't dwell on the past, but don't forget about it. The past is the key to the future.

Love everyone that you can, but don't expect anything back.

Be nice to the kid in the corner who is all alone. They might turn into the best friend you'll ever have.

Never rely on your looks, abilities, or possessions for acceptance and love. You never know when those things will be gone, and all you'll be left with is your true self.

Love yourself. If you don't love yourself, well, damnit, who will?

Take time out of your day to breathe.

Occasionally look on the bright side, but be careful that you don't blind yourself to reality.

Give someone a hug sometime. It might do both of you good. (And it might get you arrested.)

Right. Well. Had to end that rambling somewhere. I suppose bringing in a touch of stupidity would be a great way to go out with a bang. I don't know how much of that I stole. I just started typing, and it took off from there. To the best of my knowledge, it's all good advice, though. If you take it, and it doesn't turn out for the best, tell me, and I'll edit the bad advice out of this post.

Thanks.

Folkways, Mores, and Laws

2004-10-22T00:56:00.000-05:00

Alright. I was discussing society's mores when I came up with this little explanation/rant of sorts.

Be enlightened.

See, there are these norms, or rules which guide behavior. They're made up of folkways, mores, and laws. Folkways come from everyday life. Mores are morals (from religion) or obligations. Laws are, well, laws, which are written down and enforced by a group.

We are impacted by norms in that if we go against them, there will be consequences. For the folkways, the consequences generally aren't that serious. It'd be like not brushing your teeth or not showering. It'd be against the norms, but really the worst thing that's going to happen is that someone will bring it to your attention and it will be embarrassing. Laws, of course, are enforced by the higher group (ie, your employer, your parents, the government), so if you screw up there, you're going to be punished by either restriction of privileges, or by incarceration or something. Mores have the worst consequences, in my opinion. It's like a perverted justice type of thing. When you go against someone's morals or your obligations as a human being, not only are you going to be rebuked by your fellow man, but sometimes the government and/or higher authority will be involved as well.

So, yes. Society's mores are a terribly hard thing to go against, as they are changing so rapidly and definitely going downhill. It's becoming a norm to be a teenager and into drugs, alcohol, and nicotine. It's becoming a norm to be a teenager and not a virgin. It's becoming a norm to be a human and think that homosexuality and abortion are the right things to do or approve of. It's awful.

But... There are a lot of us who are going against it. Thankfully, at this point, the consequences aren't as high as they could be. We aren't being shunned for being straightedge or for thinking homosexuality is wrong. Not yet, we aren't. But who knows? Soon? Maybe.

There Is An Update At Hand!

2004-10-18T17:37:00.000-05:00

I have updated [the art page].

5 Dollars

2004-10-12T22:15:00.000-05:00

So, for now it's guaranteed that I will always like you more
I'm always in this shirt and it's always just a little bit too small
I paid five dollars yesterday just to see you for a second
Someone's head was in my way again, like it always is

I guess you'll always be that boy who just won't notice I exist here
Cos this is such a small town, you did not see me standing right here
So, if I pass out when you walk by, it's probably cos you looked at me
Like I've already said too much...

--S.

For Those Who Don't Belong...

2004-10-09T22:51:00.000-05:00

"For everybody who thinks they were adopted into this race or doesn't feel they belong, feel free to message me."

Question: Have you ever met anyone who really felt they belonged, or were willing to admit that they fit in someplace? If so, what kind of person were they?

I know I haven't met many, if any at all... But maybe that's just me.

No Lies, Just Love

2004-10-04T00:30:00.000-05:00

It was in the March of the winter I turned seventeen
That I bought those pills
I thought I would need
And I wrote a letter to my family
Said it's not your fault
And you've been good to me
It's just lately I've been feeling
Like I don't belong
Like the ground's not mine to walk upon
And I've heard that music
Echo through the house
Where my grandmother drank
By herself
And I sat watching a flower
As it was withering
I was embarrassed by its honesty
So I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face
Not this fucking wreck
That's taken its place

So please forgive what I have done
No you can't stay mad at the setting sun
Cause we all get tired, I mean eventually
There is nothing left to do but sleep

But spring came bearing sunlight
Those persuasive rays
So I gave myself a few more days
My salvation it came, quite suddenly
When Justin spoke very plainly
He said "Of course it's your decision,
But just so you know,
If you decide to leave,
Soon I will follow"

I wrote this for a baby
Who has yet to be born
My brother's first child
I hope that womb's not too warm
Cause it's cold out here
And it'll be quite a shock
To breathe this air
To discover loss
So I'd like to make some changes
Before you arrive
So when your new eyes meet mine
They won't see no lies
Just love.
Just love.

I will be pure
No, no, I know I will be pure
Like snow, like gold
Like snow, like gold
Like snow, like snow
Like gold, like gold, like gold

-Bright Eyes

Skanking 101

2004-10-03T14:01:00.000-05:00

Courtesy of Chyppe.

Step One: Bend Forward
Get that stiffness out of your spine, hang forward, but not too far, and get those arms and knees loose.

Step Two: Bend Knees and Elbows
Bend your elbows and clench your fists if you want to get that real rude attitude. Try to look more like you're getting ready to go sprinting rather than skiing.

Step Three: Claim Your Space
Get those feet shoulder-length apart, move one foot slightly forward, and take up as much of the dance floor as you can while you start your arms cranking back and forth. It might help if you pretend your shaking some maracas.

Step Four: Start Moving
Feel the beat. Get those arms swinging slightly and feel the bounce as you swing your hips. Move your weight from one foot to the other with each skank. Make sure you coordinate your arms and legs. If your right fist is moving forward, you should also be moving your right knee forward as you shift your weight. Then shift to the left.

Step Five: Skank to the Beat
Now start to vibe with some classic ska sounds. If you're doing a classic skank, your feet should not be moving too much. Rather, you should be bouncing with the upbeats and cranking those elbows. For added style, get a real cool expression and stare somewhere off in the upper corner of the room. Preferably with shades

See-Through Syndrome

2004-10-03T00:26:00.000-05:00

At Seventeen

2004-09-27T00:56:00.000-05:00

I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired.
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth.
And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say come dance with me
and murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems
At seventeen.
A brown eyed girl in hand me downs
Whose name I never could pronounce
said, Pity please the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve.
The rich relationed hometown queen
she marries into what she needs
A guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly.
Remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
Indebentures of quality
And dubious integrity.
Their small town eyes will gape at you
in dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received
At seventeen.
To those of us who know the pain
Of valentines that never came,
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball.
It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
And dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me.
We all play the game and when we dare
To cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
That call and say, come dance with me
and murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me
At seventeen.

~Janis Ian

When You Wish Upon A Star

2004-09-26T00:25:00.000-05:00

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires will come to you

If your heart is in your dreams
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star as dreamers do

Fate is kind, she brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment of their secret longing

Like a bolt out of the blue
Fate steps in and sees you through
When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true

I saw a shooting star tonight.

I'm feeling rather depressed this evening. Well, maybe not so much depressed as simply lonely and... rather mixed up. Sad, confused, lost, and alone, even though I know I'm not really alone. It's just all so terribly upsetting. Even smiling makes my face ache...

I think I may just go to church tomorrow. I'm not sure yet. I guess it will depend on what I feel like in the morning.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show is an insanely sexually oriented movie about a transvestite alien from Transexual, Transylvania, who sets two conventional young adults free from their conservative views on sex and life in general. It was the first time I had ever thought of a man in a corset as sexy. The whole movie could be taken extremely offensively by so many people. I saw it last night for the first time ever, and I loved it. Loved it.

I'M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE! Tonight, I saw Donnie Darko for the first time. I enjoyed it very much too. My only big problem with it was that it ended too soon.

Paranoid schizophrenia has been popping up around me a lot lately. For instance, that's what Donnie Darko had, or what they thought he had anyway. And I've been reading a book about Son of Sam. He was a serial killer in the late 1970's in New York City. He was a paranoid schizophreniac, and he thought he was possessed by the son of Sam, Sam being Satan, and his son being a demon. He killed people to appease the demons' thirst for blood. He imagined a whole lot of things in his illness. Schizophrenia is a very interesting thing. To study, of course. Not to have.

*sigh*

I wonder what I'll be when I "grow up". Tonight, as I was watching Donnie Darko, I was considering the possibility of being a teacher. I don't know. I'm not a big kids person... But it seems almost appealing, when you look at it in a certain light. If I am ever a teacher, it'd probably be for sociology, psychology, philosophy and religion, English, or highschool mathematics. But me becoming a teacher is highly unlikely. I was just thinking about it.

People are strange things. Boys are strange. Girls are even stranger. Emotions are even stranger than girls and boys put together. Heh. Combined, if you will. It'd be great to be able to understand someday. Perhaps we will.

And I guess I'll close with that. So, I bid to you goodnight, tonight, sleep tight, my love.

Glory Box

2004-09-23T15:17:00.000-05:00

I'm so tired of playing,
Playing with this bow and arrow,
Gonna give my heart away,
Leave it to the other girls to play,
From this time, unchained,
We’re all looking at a different picture,
Through this new frame of mind,
A thousand flowers could bloom,
Move over, and give us some room.

A Bad Situation

2004-09-15T17:27:00.000-05:00

I wrote this little ditty for an English project today. Whipped it out in 10 minutes. Had to think of the situation first. That took a minute or two. After that, it was a breeze. The idea was to talk about a situation in my life that had started off as bad, but had turned into something good. Soooooooooooooo... Behold my gorgeous words.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Morgan. Morgan was the kind of girl who was disliked by many people, simply because she was quiet and different from their perception of normality, and they were closed-minded and silly. There was a condensed group of people such as these in a youth group near Morgan. Her sister was also an outsider of sorts, but was still somewhat a part of them, even though she disagreed with the way that they thought.

One day, this group decided to take a trip to a far off place. It was a place called Charleston, South Carolina. They were going to be little missionaries to the people in this land. Myriah, Morgan’s sister, wanted to go with them, and she wanted Morgan to go as well. Morgan wasn’t so sure that she wanted to be subjected to their disapproval for any length of time, but eventually gave in, agreed to go with them, and paid the money for this voyage.

The trip there was long and hazardous. The van was filled with the sounds of some of the young girls’ voices singing along with the music blaring through their headphones. The youth leader yelled for everyone to be quiet, but no one listened. They made several stops along the way, sometimes at gas stations, and once at McDonald’s. These breaks were a wonderful relief from the torture of being in the van.

When they finally got to this camp, it was not what they had expected. Morgan and Myriah had anticipated being apart from this group of mild [silly heads], but found that they were going to be spending great amounts of “quality time” with them. It was a sad time, this time of realization.

Their spirits were not low for long. Soon, they found other friends at this camp, and began liberating themselves from the group they had come with. They met Chyppe, John, Joey, Tate, and The Philmeister, and it was good. They sang songs together while walking about the camp. They had long conversations, and it was all great fun.
Therefore, even though Morgan and Myriah were stuck with this extremely unattractive group, they made the best of the situation by branching out and finding others to hang out with. This week went from being a terrible time of partial incarceration, to being one of the best weeks they had had in a long while.

The Recluse

2004-09-14T00:55:00.000-05:00

How'd I end up here to begin with? I don't know.
Why do I start what I can't finish?
Oh please, don't barrage me with questions to all those ugly answers.
My ego's like my stomach--it keeps shitting what I feed it.
But maybe I don't want to finish anything anymore...

And That Is Where It's At

2004-09-12T20:54:00.000-05:00

I have told some people that this would be my main blog now. I haven't really been treating it that way, though, because out of the three that I use the most, this is the only one where I haven't really been getting any comments. At all. So... I suppose I'll just keep typing away until someone finally decides that they have something they would like to say in response to some of my words.

Right now, I'm listening to Time Is Running Out by Muse. It is really good stuff. I like it a lot. It was sent to me through my good friend and main music man, Chyppe. Can I hear a hooray for Chyppe? *hooray*

I'm supposed to be finishing my English homework right now, but I'm procrastinating. Procrastination is my greatest hobby. I find it simply irresistable. I can't get enough of it. I have a draft finished for a personal narrative, but I haven't finished the finished project yet. I need to revise. It's due tomorrow.

I am now listening to New Slang by The Shins. It is off of the Garden State soundtrack, and also courtesy of The Chyppemeister. It reminds me... Of that feeling one might get right after watching an especially touching movie. A movie that reminds you kind of yourself, and ends in that kind of way where life's not perfect, but not as terrible as it once was... Maybe a movie like White Oleander or Amelie.

If you haven't listened to The Shins yet, do so. Now.

Well, I suppose I should probably go work on that narrative. And so concludes my update.

Sigur Rós

2004-09-07T14:46:00.000-05:00

Ég gaf ykkur von sem varð að vonbrigðum... þetta er ágætis byrjun.

I gave you hope that became a disappointment... this is an alright start.

You should go look at my newest webcreation. [link]

The Sadness

2004-09-06T00:28:00.000-05:00

Is sadness inherent in society? What about happiness? Can one exist without the other? Can we exist without causing some variation of each?

Wouldn't life suck if there were no such thing as emotion?

Do You Know What I Hate The Most?

2004-09-01T22:13:00.000-05:00

Would you like to know what I hate? I hate it when people can't see or don't appreciate that which is right in front of them, being handed to them on a silver platter. Instead, they prefer to dwell upon that which is unhappy in their lives.

And I hate this in myself too, cos God knows I am more than guilty of it. It has become my lifestyle.

Damnit. I'm going to go write some bad poetry.

A Brief History Of Sorts

2004-09-01T02:42:00.000-05:00

Morgan Kayte Lutheran was born to Dale and Meridy Lutheran, in Carbondale, Illinois, on the great day of March 5th, 1987. Not only is this date a great one because that is the date of the beginning of A Chorus Line's British Tour, but also because the last three numbers of the year are right in a row and in order on a keyboard, and therefore much easier to find, for those of us who can't detect precisely where each of the number keys are just by memory.

She lived a mostly happy, and yet lonely childhood in a small town in Illinois called Sesser. She attended a small public school for both kindergarten and first grade, and though she was never really disliked or unwanted, she just couldn't seem to find her place. She remembers to this day sitting in the gym during PE and just wondering why she felt so alone.

After her second year of public school, her mommy told her that she would not be going back. She said that she was going to be homeschooled, but that it probably wasn't a good idea to tell her teachers, because they might not understand. She liked homeschooling just as well as she liked public school, because either way, she felt quite alone, and her relationships were really what was the most important to her anyway.

She lived in Sesser for nearly 10 years of her life. She had a few friends at their church, and she had lots of family that lived close-by. It was a nice place to live. But one half of a year before her 10th birthday, her parents uprooted their family, and replanted them in a medium-sized town in North Carolina. This town had the unattractive name of Wilson.

Wilson didn't turn out to be quite as dull as the name made it sound. There was a homeschool group there with nearly fifty families involved. Morgan's mother and several other mothers tried to get her involved with the young ladies in the group, but these young ladies never seemed to really click with Morgan. She eventually found her place amongst the young lads in the group, and was quite happy with her position.

The time in Wilson was pure bliss for Morgan, excepting any of the time during which she came into contact with her apartment neighbor, Kim Koda, or her neighbor's daughter, Kayla Koda. They were a raucous pair, playing Spice Girls and other such disgusting audio clips very loudly bright and early each morning, throughout the entire day, and then well into the night. Not only did they have terrible taste in music, they were also very difficult to get along with. Kim would often get drunk and come next door to harass Morgan's mother. At one point, it got so bad that the police were called.

As we all know, good times cannot last forever. Wilson was soon replaced for yet another small town. Stella.

Stella is a place so small that they only have a post office, a gas station, and three churches. Oh, and there are two known streetlights in this area. Not only is Stella incredibly small, it's also filled with strange people. One half contains the rich people who appreciate fine cars and lawn ornaments. The other half holds the poorer folk who enjoy hunting dogs, guns, and four wheelers. In the beginning, the Lutheran family didn't really fit in with either of these two groups, but as time went by, they started molding themselves to the poorer group's way of life. All of them except for Morgan and Myriah, that is.

Morgan is the kind of kid who doesn't fit in easily. She isn't stuck up or disagreeable . . . She's just different, and the people in her area don't seem to appreciate that which is different.

When her family first placed her in this awfully small and boring region, she was about ten and a half. Now, she is seventeen and a half, and still hasn't found her place. She has tried various churches and schools, and approaches each with a good attitude and a cheerful expression, but she just can't seem to find acceptance in any of them.

She tried private school in eighth grade, but became bored with it very quickly due to a poor selection of friends, and dropped out after the first semester. She longed for more constant human contact soon after, and decided to try public school once again during her tenth grade year. She only stayed for the first semester. Again, for her eleventh grade year, she went back to public school, again only to stay for the first semester. She tired quickly of the busy-work and monotony of it all. Now, she is in her senior year of highschool, and it attending a community college. It's not as bad as she had once thought it would be.

Morgan still has only a few friends (actually, more on the internet than in person), and still has not found her place in this Eastern North Carolina area. She is still trying, though. She looks forward to the day when she can move out of this area and find someplace that is more open-minded and interesting.

Morgan has very little idea of what she wants to do with her future. All she knows is that she wants someone to love, and that will be enough.

Jatherhl: Band Above All Bands

2004-08-28T13:01:00.000-05:00

There is a band that stands tall above all other bands. It is a band that has brought true rock to Louisville for many months. They have made grown men and women stand in awe, and small children run and dance in the streets.

My love for Jatherhl is the surest thing that I have ever known. It shall remain strong throughout the years, even until death. And, no, I've never even heard them perform with an actual singer, but nonetheless! Chyppe, Ian, Luke, and Paul have truly created a monster of majestic magnitude. Beauty rules, and Rock reigns strong.

[link]

For Everything, There Is A First

2004-08-27T14:40:00.000-05:00

Today marks the beginning of something new. It is the great and terrible spawn of Blogger, known only to all mankind as... The Imploding Voice. Its mission: to eventually take control of every other weblog, journal, or other information center that has come to pass from the fingers and mind of The Great Maux. So it has been spoken, now let it be.