The Celibate Life

Someday, I want to be artistic. I want to be interesting. I also want to be attractive. I don't particularly care about being popular with many people... I just want to be popular among a few friends. I'd like to be the type of person who needs to be there to make things feel complete. I want to be loved.

I've been told that if I were to change my appearance (ie clothes, hair, etc.), I'd find that there would be many more guys interested in dating me or whatever. As much as I want that, I don't know if I'm willing to give up what I am right now.

I can think of four boys that have really, really liked me in the past. I'm not talking about crushes where they thought I was cute or cool or whatever. These are the guys who actually got to know me, were my friends, and genuinely liked me for who I was. They may have even loved me. I don't know. Out of those guys, I only liked two back. One of them was my first boyfriend. I was about 10, I think. The second was from the same area, Wilson, but when we found out that we liked one another, I had already moved out here, so nothing materialized.

Of course, I had countless other crushes and boyfriends and admirers... But those are just the four boys that really stand out.

Last night, I realized something. Over the years, I have done a very good job of refining my taste in young men. There are some guys who may have liked me a long time ago that I wouldn't consider liking then, and would definitely think twice about now. It's interesting how people change.

There have been people who have said that I cannot find a boy worth liking who likes me back here because I live in a wasteland. I wonder if this is true. I wonder if things would be different if I lived in Wilson still. Or Louisville, KY. Or New York City. Or Chicago, IL. Or Seattle, WA. Would anything be different? Would I be different?

I think that I have changed in a bad way too. My personality used to be much stronger. I think it's because I had more self-esteem and confidence. Little events in a person's life can change a lot about that person, and they can change a lot about that person's future.

I hate impersonal relationships. They seem so pointless. I hate going to the movies with people every time we hang out, not because I don't like going to the movies, but because I want to talk with them and get to know them better. I suppose that sounds kind of like most boys' worst nightmare for a girlfriend... Someone who wants to talk all the time and get to know them... I don't know. I just don't want shallow relationships!

I want to find someone who really wants to get to know me. I want someone to get to know me. I want someone to understand who I really am and where I'm really coming from. I'd also like to find someone who appreciates me and my preferences.

I sure hope God is really looking out for me along the lines of relationships.

Don't you hate it when you find someone "perfect," but then find out that they're not, only because they don't return your affections? Yeah. It sucks.

Hm. I've been whining so much lately. How much do I really have to whine about? Not that much, I suppose. I apologize to the few of you who have had to put up with my whining. You're good friends for being there for me, though. I appreciate you so very much.

On to slight randomness.

Smells are so amazing. It's incredible how you can connect them to past experiences so easily. I'm a big fan of good smells. Especially on boys who hug me. That's beautiful. I bring this all up because the jacket that I'm wearing right now smells absolutely heavenly. A mix of my laundry detergent and softener, and my perfume, I suppose. Heavenly.

I am an only child until Saturday evening. I like it that way. I have my choice of computer or tv, and it's quiet no matter which I choose. And I don't have to take people with me everywhere that I go. And I thought I was going to get to have some time to just hang out with a friend of mine, but he ended up having other plans. In any case, I still got to be without siblings.

If it were not 1am, cool outside, and December, I'd go to the pier right now. Unfortunately, they're closed, and mom and dad would probably be rather upset if I left this late.

I'm kind of looking forward to starting work at the Water Boggan again this summer. I hated it a lot of the time while I was there, but I made good money. And I got a tan. I mostly just miss the excessive money.

Work is going well. Jessica, my manager, loves me and is keeping me beyond just the seasonal employee time. I'm only getting in between 5 and 9 hours a week at minimum wage, but it's better than nothing. And I'm not doing anything that I hate. I'm afraid I'll just need to be looking for another job to have along with this one. Especially being homeschooled again for this next semester. I don't know if I'll be able to tolerate all of this time at home.

Hey, um, if any of you ghost people who read this without me being aware of it would like to comment sometime, I'd adore you forever. I just want some comments. I want to know you exist and read my words.

I WANT TO BE SPECIAL!

I'd also like to find my talent. I have to be talented at something. Sure, I'm good at a few things, but I want to find something that I'm exceptionally good at. *shrug*

I'm trying to think of anything else that I can say to let you get a glimpse of my soul without me ending up whining or gushing... I'm quite the emo kid. Hate them, if you'd like, but they do exist, and they are emotional, and I'm one of them.

In my life, I've never wanted to be the girl who has a million friends, admirers, and fans. I've always just wanted a small group of friends who like to be around me. Right now, there is only one person who has been hanging out with me a lot, and he's been disappointing me severely a lot. It's really sad. I love him dearly, but it's just really hurting my heart. At first, I felt accepted and loved, but now I'm feeling like that side order of cole slaw that you feel obligated to eat and enjoy just because it's there and it's tangy.

Damn the shallow people!

I want one person to love me. I cannot even begin to think about how happy I'll be when I find him.

I'll stop before I start.

Since you've read this, you're officially awesome. Thank you. I love you. Goodnight.

My Sweet Fracture

Could you tell me the next time that you're choking?
I'll run right over
to shove some dirt right down your throat
It's nothing I have against you
You're just a creep and
you can't remember the last five years
What's a bond if it dissolves in water?
I took a piss that lasted longer
than you and your manipulations
I called my mom last night
She said, "Sweetie, you don't need someone
who's more fleeting than fall."
Don't you love those leaves?
Don't you wish the orange stayed forever
And crickets sang in the night all through winter?
And I thought, slow down
Think of all the time this jerk
has fucked you up and left you down
And hey, I choose my company
by the beating of their hearts
Not the swelling of their heads
Don't you love those leaves?
Don't you wish the orange stayed forever
And crickets sang in the night all through winter?
Besides, I'd rather forget the days we spent
trying to stay afloat in shallow water.

A regular update coming eventually, I'd assume.

Heh...

And I thought nobody read this...

You Cross Your Heart And Hope To Die

I hate this. :( I get crushes easily, but I don't really fall in like very easily at all. Damnit! I don't know why... But my heart is hurting worse than usual with this one... :*( Maybe it's because I thought I had hope.

Oh man.

It's, oh, so quiet
It's, oh, so still
You're all alone
And so peaceful until...

You fall in love
Zing boom
The sky above
Zing boom
Is caving in
Wow bam
You've never been so nuts about a guy
You wanna laugh you wanna cry
You cross your heart and hope to die

'Til it's over and then
It's nice and quiet
But soon again
Starts another big riot

You blow a fuse
Zing boom
The devil cuts loose
Zing boom
So what's the use
Wow bam
Of falling in love

It's, oh, so quiet
It's, oh, so still
You're all alone
And so peaceful until...

You ring the bell
Bim bam
You shout and you yell
Hi ho ho
You broke the spell
Gee, this is swell you almost have a fit
This guy is 'gorge' and I got hit
There's no mistake this is it

'Til it's over and then
It's nice and quiet
But soon again
Starts another big riot

You blow a fuse
Zing boom
The devil cuts loose
Zing boom
What's the use
Wow bam
Of falling in love

The sky caves in
The devil cuts loose
You blow blow blow blow your fuse
When you've fallen in love

Ssshhhhh...

On this, the day of my Saviour's birth...

Merry effing Christmas.

:)

About A Boy

Morgan's heart isn't doing very well lately. It's been suffering rather silently for the past year and a half or so, but today gave it a little jolt which caused that sharp pain to come back. Like I said, it had been silent for a while, making friends and being nice, but a few weeks ago, it made a big mistake. It became attached to a young man. Unfortunately, Morgan didn't do anything to fix this little crush, and it grew into something slightly larger. Now, the heart is in critical condition, and is due to be receiving some sort of tear treatment within the next hour or so.

I'm not all for this. It just gives you an idea of a bit of pain... I especially love the fifth and sixth lines.

Biting keeps your words at bay
Tending to the sores that stay
Happiness is just a gash away
When I open a familiar scar
Pain goes shooting like a star
Comfort hasn't failed to follow so far...

And you might say it's self-indulgent
You might say it's self-destructive
But, you see, it's more productive
Than if I were to be healthy

And pens and penknives take the blame
Crane my neck and scratch my name
But the ugly marks
Are worth the momentary gain...
When I jab a sharpened object in
Choirs of angels seem to sing
Hymns of hate in memorandum

And you might say it's self-indulgent
And you might say it's self-destructive
But, you see, it's more productive
Than if I were to be happy

And sappy songs about sex and cheating
Bland accounts of two lovers meeting
Make me want to give mankind a beating

And you might say it's self-destructive
But, you see, I'd kick the bucket
Sixty times before I'd kick the habit

And as the skin rips off I cherish the revolting thought
That even if I quit
There's not a chance in hell I'd stop
And anyone can see the signs
Mittens in the summertime
Thank you for your pity, you are too kind

And you might say it's self-inflicted
But, you see, that's contradictive
Why on earth would anyone practice self-destruction?

And pain opinions are sitcom feeding
They don't know that their minds are teething
Makes me want to give mankind a beating

I've tried bandages and sinking
I've tried gloves and even thinking
I've tried vaseline
I've tried everything
And no-one cares if your back is bleeding
They're concerned with their hair receding
Looking back it was all maltreating
Every thought that occurred misleading

Makes me want to give myself a beating...

Christopher Kent Knight

Chris Made A Funny

"When I was a little kid, I loved playing with Barbies. Yeah. At first, my mom thought I was gay, but later she realized that I was just a slut. Yeah, I've always loved women... A lot."

Chris is a cool kid.

Better When It Rains

Do you ever want to just kick your own ass? "You stupid, fucking idiot! What the hell is your problem?! Why aren't you going to do anything?! How the hell can you be so damn stupid?! You deserve to die."

Sometimes I wish I could just leave. Death is slightly too permanent for my taste, at the moment. I'm sure you're all terribly relieved to hear that.

I hate being where I am. There's something that I really want to do, and I'm able to do it, but I'm afraid of it. Damnit. It's something that would either make me happy, or would make me sad. Right now, there's just constant turmoil. Of course the happy part would be better, but right now, even the sad part would be better than this.

I see what I want, and it's something that I've wanted for a long time... But I am just sitting here... Not doing anything... Being so freaking passive it is pathetic.

And is God going to do anything about it? I don't even know. What if this is one of those times where I'm supposed to just stay how I am and wait it out... Or... What if this is one of those times where I'm supposed to be assertive. "God helps those who help themselves." Which is it? Which do I choose? Everything I see has been pointed towards action, but I'm so damn scared of it that I'm convincing myself that I don't even know if it's worth it.

I hate this. I wish I didn't have to worry about it, and the action would just be done for me. That's how it's supposed to be. But it just doesn't feel right. Nothing feels right. What is right anymore?

Why the hell does this always happen to me? Why can't I just be happy for once without being tortured continually? I'm never happy. Is it always me being unsatisfied with everything, or is it because I seriously just cannot get what I have been striving for? I don't freaking understand.

My situation is one where it would really be a good thing if it worked out. It's not like, "Oh man. I really want a car, but my parents won't buy it for me..." It's something that I've been looking forward to for the longest time. I've been waiting. Not so patiently, but waiting nonetheless. I haven't given up. I've kept striving for it. And what now? I see something so perfect, but it's just dangling in front of me and that's all...

I thought this was going to be a semi-calm post. Clearly, it isn't really pretending to be as calm as I had anticipated. I'm burning alive inside, but, of course, as I always do, I'm hiding it on the outside. External emotional freaking shut down. This is my only vent. Thank God not many people read this...

Anyway. Perhaps this situation will remedy itself. I don't know. If it does, believe me, you'll know.

Another Untitled Poem

Don't go...
Don't leave me wanting,
I am here,
Where the dusk falls,
Where the stars kiss the sky,
And I am waiting...

Waiting...

How many times have I written that word?
Could the ink fill this cup in front of me?
Or would it just leave a stain on my shirt?

I am waiting... I am still here.

-Brandon Carpenter

GIMMEGIMMEGIMME!

Christmas Wish List
»Sexy lingerie
»Money
»The Rocky Horror Picture Show DVD
»The Rocky Horror Picture Show Soundtrack
»Blank cds
»Giftcards to places like Hot Topic, Michael's, Target, Wal-mart, etc.
»Homemade coupons for free food or thrift store stuff and a friendly "date" with you
»Some sort of odd, large bag (purse) with a long strap, or a super odd tshirt (size small in men's or large in girls')
»Brightly colored eyeshadow in weird colors (bright blue, pink, green, red, etc.)
»Some sort of collection of random stuff (makeup, candles, candy, giftcards, etc.)
»Smashing Pumpkins' Pisces Iscariot or Gish
»Super cool, artistic, dark-looking journal of sorts
»Mixed tapes and/or cds!!!
»Free vowels

Hm. Does that make it any easier? For those of you who are out of state, feel free to ask about mailing options. ;)

Just Give The Dog The Bone

I seriously doubt that I will ever own a pet. They are the boyfriend or husband that every girl has to have so she can feel loved and accepted. They are the child that every mother has to have to feel loved and needed. They are the cowering girlfriend or wife that every beastly, sexist male has to have to feel powerful. I don't like them.

I hate those commercials that make pets seem like children. Why would anyone buy gifts for their pets, hide them, wrap them, and then stick them under the tree for Christmas? Is the dog really going to care that its new bone just appeared out of nowhere, smelling of dust, and wrapped up in cartoon snowmen? No.

And what is the problem with making the "Christmas season" for every religion? It bothers me that people can't accept the fact that Christianity is not the only holiday celebrated, and doesn't need to be the only holiday acknowledged. I like the commercial for that cellphone that includes everyone. It's good.

I swear. This is what makes Christianity so hated. Christians are prejudiced against so many things. Of course, no one is free from some sort of prejudice, but nonetheless... Christians are supposed to be all about love. SHOW IT.

Think I'm being bitchy? Read on.

I hate it when people write such sappy, cute posts and whatnot. But, then again, I hate it when they write about how much their lives suck. You know why I dislike that sort of thing so much? Because I long to be able to do the prior, and I do far too much of the latter.

People are annoying. Fascinating, but annoying.

I feel as though I am trapping myself. I don't quite know how, but I am. I want to be so much smarter than I am. I want to do so much more than I can. I want to be someone that you are intimidated by just because they are something you're unfamiliar with.

Goths are no longer frightening. Punks aren't tough. Preps aren't as snotty. Jocks aren't as exclusive. Geeks aren't as geeky. Artists are selling out. Music makers are being overtaken by the generic. Everything is mixing together. But it's fake. It's becoming one large mass of... Of... Nothing. And I am criticized about writing about it, because I'm "trying too hard to be different." Or I'm "being too hypocritical." Screw that. I'm writing about it because I think the entire thing is stupid, and I'm disgusted to be a part of it. And I am a part of it.

But I digress.

Today, my mother received an email from her father. I haven't seen him in about 10 years. His wife, Brenda, is friends with the North Carolina State Senator Richard Burr. My grandfather wants me to be an intern for him over the summer. I'd live in D.C., which would be absolutely awesome... And I'd probably get paid for it. And live in a dorm. Everyone thinks it's a wonderful opportunity, but I'm a bit nervous about it. I don't know what I'll have to do, and I don't know I'll fit in with everyone and everything there. I'm terribly shy when it comes to being around people I don't know. Especially people who intimidate me. People who are important and/or "popular." I don't know. It'll be an experience. To be sure.

I'll have to buy new clothes and dye my hair a "natural" color. And I'll have to be all cute and feminine. *sigh* I'm especially nervous about impressing my grandfather. My mom says I'm exactly like him, which means he's critical, and he doesn't show his emotions, including love and appreciation, very well. And I believe he's rather well-to-do. Oi. At least I'll know where he's coming from. And I think I'll relate to him well enough.

That's about all that's going on, really. So. I suppose I'll close here. Thanks for reading.