The Celibate Life

Someday, I want to be artistic. I want to be interesting. I also want to be attractive. I don't particularly care about being popular with many people... I just want to be popular among a few friends. I'd like to be the type of person who needs to be there to make things feel complete. I want to be loved.

I've been told that if I were to change my appearance (ie clothes, hair, etc.), I'd find that there would be many more guys interested in dating me or whatever. As much as I want that, I don't know if I'm willing to give up what I am right now.

I can think of four boys that have really, really liked me in the past. I'm not talking about crushes where they thought I was cute or cool or whatever. These are the guys who actually got to know me, were my friends, and genuinely liked me for who I was. They may have even loved me. I don't know. Out of those guys, I only liked two back. One of them was my first boyfriend. I was about 10, I think. The second was from the same area, Wilson, but when we found out that we liked one another, I had already moved out here, so nothing materialized.

Of course, I had countless other crushes and boyfriends and admirers... But those are just the four boys that really stand out.

Last night, I realized something. Over the years, I have done a very good job of refining my taste in young men. There are some guys who may have liked me a long time ago that I wouldn't consider liking then, and would definitely think twice about now. It's interesting how people change.

There have been people who have said that I cannot find a boy worth liking who likes me back here because I live in a wasteland. I wonder if this is true. I wonder if things would be different if I lived in Wilson still. Or Louisville, KY. Or New York City. Or Chicago, IL. Or Seattle, WA. Would anything be different? Would I be different?

I think that I have changed in a bad way too. My personality used to be much stronger. I think it's because I had more self-esteem and confidence. Little events in a person's life can change a lot about that person, and they can change a lot about that person's future.

I hate impersonal relationships. They seem so pointless. I hate going to the movies with people every time we hang out, not because I don't like going to the movies, but because I want to talk with them and get to know them better. I suppose that sounds kind of like most boys' worst nightmare for a girlfriend... Someone who wants to talk all the time and get to know them... I don't know. I just don't want shallow relationships!

I want to find someone who really wants to get to know me. I want someone to get to know me. I want someone to understand who I really am and where I'm really coming from. I'd also like to find someone who appreciates me and my preferences.

I sure hope God is really looking out for me along the lines of relationships.

Don't you hate it when you find someone "perfect," but then find out that they're not, only because they don't return your affections? Yeah. It sucks.

Hm. I've been whining so much lately. How much do I really have to whine about? Not that much, I suppose. I apologize to the few of you who have had to put up with my whining. You're good friends for being there for me, though. I appreciate you so very much.

On to slight randomness.

Smells are so amazing. It's incredible how you can connect them to past experiences so easily. I'm a big fan of good smells. Especially on boys who hug me. That's beautiful. I bring this all up because the jacket that I'm wearing right now smells absolutely heavenly. A mix of my laundry detergent and softener, and my perfume, I suppose. Heavenly.

I am an only child until Saturday evening. I like it that way. I have my choice of computer or tv, and it's quiet no matter which I choose. And I don't have to take people with me everywhere that I go. And I thought I was going to get to have some time to just hang out with a friend of mine, but he ended up having other plans. In any case, I still got to be without siblings.

If it were not 1am, cool outside, and December, I'd go to the pier right now. Unfortunately, they're closed, and mom and dad would probably be rather upset if I left this late.

I'm kind of looking forward to starting work at the Water Boggan again this summer. I hated it a lot of the time while I was there, but I made good money. And I got a tan. I mostly just miss the excessive money.

Work is going well. Jessica, my manager, loves me and is keeping me beyond just the seasonal employee time. I'm only getting in between 5 and 9 hours a week at minimum wage, but it's better than nothing. And I'm not doing anything that I hate. I'm afraid I'll just need to be looking for another job to have along with this one. Especially being homeschooled again for this next semester. I don't know if I'll be able to tolerate all of this time at home.

Hey, um, if any of you ghost people who read this without me being aware of it would like to comment sometime, I'd adore you forever. I just want some comments. I want to know you exist and read my words.

I WANT TO BE SPECIAL!

I'd also like to find my talent. I have to be talented at something. Sure, I'm good at a few things, but I want to find something that I'm exceptionally good at. *shrug*

I'm trying to think of anything else that I can say to let you get a glimpse of my soul without me ending up whining or gushing... I'm quite the emo kid. Hate them, if you'd like, but they do exist, and they are emotional, and I'm one of them.

In my life, I've never wanted to be the girl who has a million friends, admirers, and fans. I've always just wanted a small group of friends who like to be around me. Right now, there is only one person who has been hanging out with me a lot, and he's been disappointing me severely a lot. It's really sad. I love him dearly, but it's just really hurting my heart. At first, I felt accepted and loved, but now I'm feeling like that side order of cole slaw that you feel obligated to eat and enjoy just because it's there and it's tangy.

Damn the shallow people!

I want one person to love me. I cannot even begin to think about how happy I'll be when I find him.

I'll stop before I start.

Since you've read this, you're officially awesome. Thank you. I love you. Goodnight.