Do you ever want to just kick your own ass? "You stupid, fucking idiot! What the hell is your problem?! Why aren't you going to do anything?! How the hell can you be so damn stupid?! You deserve to die."
Sometimes I wish I could just leave. Death is slightly too permanent for my taste, at the moment. I'm sure you're all terribly relieved to hear that.
I hate being where I am. There's something that I really want to do, and I'm able to do it, but I'm afraid of it. Damnit. It's something that would either make me happy, or would make me sad. Right now, there's just constant turmoil. Of course the happy part would be better, but right now, even the sad part would be better than this.
I see what I want, and it's something that I've wanted for a long time... But I am just sitting here... Not doing anything... Being so freaking passive it is pathetic.
And is God going to do anything about it? I don't even know. What if this is one of those times where I'm supposed to just stay how I am and wait it out... Or... What if this is one of those times where I'm supposed to be assertive. "God helps those who help themselves." Which is it? Which do I choose? Everything I see has been pointed towards action, but I'm so damn scared of it that I'm convincing myself that I don't even know if it's worth it.
I hate this. I wish I didn't have to worry about it, and the action would just be done for me. That's how it's supposed to be. But it just doesn't feel right. Nothing feels right. What is right anymore?
Why the hell does this always happen to me? Why can't I just be happy for once without being tortured continually? I'm never happy. Is it always me being unsatisfied with everything, or is it because I seriously just cannot get what I have been striving for? I don't freaking understand.
My situation is one where it would really be a good thing if it worked out. It's not like, "Oh man. I really want a car, but my parents won't buy it for me..." It's something that I've been looking forward to for the longest time. I've been waiting. Not so patiently, but waiting nonetheless. I haven't given up. I've kept striving for it. And what now? I see something so perfect, but it's just dangling in front of me and that's all...
I thought this was going to be a semi-calm post. Clearly, it isn't really pretending to be as calm as I had anticipated. I'm burning alive inside, but, of course, as I always do, I'm hiding it on the outside. External emotional freaking shut down. This is my only vent. Thank God not many people read this...
Anyway. Perhaps this situation will remedy itself. I don't know. If it does, believe me, you'll know.
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