At Seventeen

I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired.
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth.
And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say come dance with me
and murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems
At seventeen.
A brown eyed girl in hand me downs
Whose name I never could pronounce
said, Pity please the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve.
The rich relationed hometown queen
she marries into what she needs
A guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly.
Remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
Indebentures of quality
And dubious integrity.
Their small town eyes will gape at you
in dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received
At seventeen.
To those of us who know the pain
Of valentines that never came,
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball.
It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
And dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me.
We all play the game and when we dare
To cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
That call and say, come dance with me
and murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me
At seventeen.

~Janis Ian

When You Wish Upon A Star

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires will come to you

If your heart is in your dreams
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star as dreamers do

Fate is kind, she brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment of their secret longing

Like a bolt out of the blue
Fate steps in and sees you through
When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true

I saw a shooting star tonight.

I'm feeling rather depressed this evening. Well, maybe not so much depressed as simply lonely and... rather mixed up. Sad, confused, lost, and alone, even though I know I'm not really alone. It's just all so terribly upsetting. Even smiling makes my face ache...

I think I may just go to church tomorrow. I'm not sure yet. I guess it will depend on what I feel like in the morning.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show is an insanely sexually oriented movie about a transvestite alien from Transexual, Transylvania, who sets two conventional young adults free from their conservative views on sex and life in general. It was the first time I had ever thought of a man in a corset as sexy. The whole movie could be taken extremely offensively by so many people. I saw it last night for the first time ever, and I loved it. Loved it.

I'M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE! Tonight, I saw Donnie Darko for the first time. I enjoyed it very much too. My only big problem with it was that it ended too soon.

Paranoid schizophrenia has been popping up around me a lot lately. For instance, that's what Donnie Darko had, or what they thought he had anyway. And I've been reading a book about Son of Sam. He was a serial killer in the late 1970's in New York City. He was a paranoid schizophreniac, and he thought he was possessed by the son of Sam, Sam being Satan, and his son being a demon. He killed people to appease the demons' thirst for blood. He imagined a whole lot of things in his illness. Schizophrenia is a very interesting thing. To study, of course. Not to have.

*sigh*

I wonder what I'll be when I "grow up". Tonight, as I was watching Donnie Darko, I was considering the possibility of being a teacher. I don't know. I'm not a big kids person... But it seems almost appealing, when you look at it in a certain light. If I am ever a teacher, it'd probably be for sociology, psychology, philosophy and religion, English, or highschool mathematics. But me becoming a teacher is highly unlikely. I was just thinking about it.

People are strange things. Boys are strange. Girls are even stranger. Emotions are even stranger than girls and boys put together. Heh. Combined, if you will. It'd be great to be able to understand someday. Perhaps we will.

And I guess I'll close with that. So, I bid to you goodnight, tonight, sleep tight, my love.

Glory Box

I'm so tired of playing,
Playing with this bow and arrow,
Gonna give my heart away,
Leave it to the other girls to play,
From this time, unchained,
We’re all looking at a different picture,
Through this new frame of mind,
A thousand flowers could bloom,
Move over, and give us some room.

A Bad Situation

I wrote this little ditty for an English project today. Whipped it out in 10 minutes. Had to think of the situation first. That took a minute or two. After that, it was a breeze. The idea was to talk about a situation in my life that had started off as bad, but had turned into something good. Soooooooooooooo... Behold my gorgeous words.


Once upon a time, there was a girl named Morgan. Morgan was the kind of girl who was disliked by many people, simply because she was quiet and different from their perception of normality, and they were closed-minded and silly. There was a condensed group of people such as these in a youth group near Morgan. Her sister was also an outsider of sorts, but was still somewhat a part of them, even though she disagreed with the way that they thought.

One day, this group decided to take a trip to a far off place. It was a place called Charleston, South Carolina. They were going to be little missionaries to the people in this land. Myriah, Morgan’s sister, wanted to go with them, and she wanted Morgan to go as well. Morgan wasn’t so sure that she wanted to be subjected to their disapproval for any length of time, but eventually gave in, agreed to go with them, and paid the money for this voyage.

The trip there was long and hazardous. The van was filled with the sounds of some of the young girls’ voices singing along with the music blaring through their headphones. The youth leader yelled for everyone to be quiet, but no one listened. They made several stops along the way, sometimes at gas stations, and once at McDonald’s. These breaks were a wonderful relief from the torture of being in the van.

When they finally got to this camp, it was not what they had expected. Morgan and Myriah had anticipated being apart from this group of mild [silly heads], but found that they were going to be spending great amounts of “quality time” with them. It was a sad time, this time of realization.

Their spirits were not low for long. Soon, they found other friends at this camp, and began liberating themselves from the group they had come with. They met Chyppe, John, Joey, Tate, and The Philmeister, and it was good. They sang songs together while walking about the camp. They had long conversations, and it was all great fun.
Therefore, even though Morgan and Myriah were stuck with this extremely unattractive group, they made the best of the situation by branching out and finding others to hang out with. This week went from being a terrible time of partial incarceration, to being one of the best weeks they had had in a long while.

The Recluse

How'd I end up here to begin with? I don't know.
Why do I start what I can't finish?
Oh please, don't barrage me with questions to all those ugly answers.
My ego's like my stomach--it keeps shitting what I feed it.
But maybe I don't want to finish anything anymore...

And That Is Where It's At

I have told some people that this would be my main blog now. I haven't really been treating it that way, though, because out of the three that I use the most, this is the only one where I haven't really been getting any comments. At all. So... I suppose I'll just keep typing away until someone finally decides that they have something they would like to say in response to some of my words.

Right now, I'm listening to Time Is Running Out by Muse. It is really good stuff. I like it a lot. It was sent to me through my good friend and main music man, Chyppe. Can I hear a hooray for Chyppe? *hooray*

I'm supposed to be finishing my English homework right now, but I'm procrastinating. Procrastination is my greatest hobby. I find it simply irresistable. I can't get enough of it. I have a draft finished for a personal narrative, but I haven't finished the finished project yet. I need to revise. It's due tomorrow.

I am now listening to New Slang by The Shins. It is off of the Garden State soundtrack, and also courtesy of The Chyppemeister. It reminds me... Of that feeling one might get right after watching an especially touching movie. A movie that reminds you kind of yourself, and ends in that kind of way where life's not perfect, but not as terrible as it once was... Maybe a movie like White Oleander or Amelie.

If you haven't listened to The Shins yet, do so. Now.

Well, I suppose I should probably go work on that narrative. And so concludes my update.

Sigur Rós

Ég gaf ykkur von sem varð að vonbrigðum... þetta er ágætis byrjun.

I gave you hope that became a disappointment... this is an alright start.



You should go look at my newest webcreation. [link]

The Sadness

Is sadness inherent in society? What about happiness? Can one exist without the other? Can we exist without causing some variation of each?

Wouldn't life suck if there were no such thing as emotion?

Do You Know What I Hate The Most?

Would you like to know what I hate? I hate it when people can't see or don't appreciate that which is right in front of them, being handed to them on a silver platter. Instead, they prefer to dwell upon that which is unhappy in their lives.

And I hate this in myself too, cos God knows I am more than guilty of it. It has become my lifestyle.

Damnit. I'm going to go write some bad poetry.

A Brief History Of Sorts

Morgan Kayte Lutheran was born to Dale and Meridy Lutheran, in Carbondale, Illinois, on the great day of March 5th, 1987. Not only is this date a great one because that is the date of the beginning of A Chorus Line's British Tour, but also because the last three numbers of the year are right in a row and in order on a keyboard, and therefore much easier to find, for those of us who can't detect precisely where each of the number keys are just by memory.

She lived a mostly happy, and yet lonely childhood in a small town in Illinois called Sesser. She attended a small public school for both kindergarten and first grade, and though she was never really disliked or unwanted, she just couldn't seem to find her place. She remembers to this day sitting in the gym during PE and just wondering why she felt so alone.

After her second year of public school, her mommy told her that she would not be going back. She said that she was going to be homeschooled, but that it probably wasn't a good idea to tell her teachers, because they might not understand. She liked homeschooling just as well as she liked public school, because either way, she felt quite alone, and her relationships were really what was the most important to her anyway.

She lived in Sesser for nearly 10 years of her life. She had a few friends at their church, and she had lots of family that lived close-by. It was a nice place to live. But one half of a year before her 10th birthday, her parents uprooted their family, and replanted them in a medium-sized town in North Carolina. This town had the unattractive name of Wilson.

Wilson didn't turn out to be quite as dull as the name made it sound. There was a homeschool group there with nearly fifty families involved. Morgan's mother and several other mothers tried to get her involved with the young ladies in the group, but these young ladies never seemed to really click with Morgan. She eventually found her place amongst the young lads in the group, and was quite happy with her position.

The time in Wilson was pure bliss for Morgan, excepting any of the time during which she came into contact with her apartment neighbor, Kim Koda, or her neighbor's daughter, Kayla Koda. They were a raucous pair, playing Spice Girls and other such disgusting audio clips very loudly bright and early each morning, throughout the entire day, and then well into the night. Not only did they have terrible taste in music, they were also very difficult to get along with. Kim would often get drunk and come next door to harass Morgan's mother. At one point, it got so bad that the police were called.

As we all know, good times cannot last forever. Wilson was soon replaced for yet another small town. Stella.

Stella is a place so small that they only have a post office, a gas station, and three churches. Oh, and there are two known streetlights in this area. Not only is Stella incredibly small, it's also filled with strange people. One half contains the rich people who appreciate fine cars and lawn ornaments. The other half holds the poorer folk who enjoy hunting dogs, guns, and four wheelers. In the beginning, the Lutheran family didn't really fit in with either of these two groups, but as time went by, they started molding themselves to the poorer group's way of life. All of them except for Morgan and Myriah, that is.

Morgan is the kind of kid who doesn't fit in easily. She isn't stuck up or disagreeable . . . She's just different, and the people in her area don't seem to appreciate that which is different.

When her family first placed her in this awfully small and boring region, she was about ten and a half. Now, she is seventeen and a half, and still hasn't found her place. She has tried various churches and schools, and approaches each with a good attitude and a cheerful expression, but she just can't seem to find acceptance in any of them.

She tried private school in eighth grade, but became bored with it very quickly due to a poor selection of friends, and dropped out after the first semester. She longed for more constant human contact soon after, and decided to try public school once again during her tenth grade year. She only stayed for the first semester. Again, for her eleventh grade year, she went back to public school, again only to stay for the first semester. She tired quickly of the busy-work and monotony of it all. Now, she is in her senior year of highschool, and it attending a community college. It's not as bad as she had once thought it would be.

Morgan still has only a few friends (actually, more on the internet than in person), and still has not found her place in this Eastern North Carolina area. She is still trying, though. She looks forward to the day when she can move out of this area and find someplace that is more open-minded and interesting.

Morgan has very little idea of what she wants to do with her future. All she knows is that she wants someone to love, and that will be enough.